When Carpools Get Ugly
by Medicinal Biscuit
Summary: CHAPTER 7 OUT! In which old times come back to bite our boys, Neji finally loses it, emo songs are sung, the culprit behind Bessie's vandalism is FINALLY revealed, Lee attempts to find a plus in a world of minuses, and, as always, the plot thickens.
1. Prologue: The Maiden Voyage

**Notes: Based on a true story...all I'm gonna say. XD**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

**Rating: Between T and M**

**Warnings: AU!- LANGUAGE AND CRACK!**

**When Carpools Get Ugly**

Hyuuga Neji and Rock Lee had no idea what was to be in store for them that fateful day they ripped that little stub of construction paper off of the poster on the bulletin board in the freshman hallway. In retrospect, they mutually concluded that they should have realized that the fact that the poster had been up for over a week and was still untouched probably meant something. But still and nonetheless, they chose to blatantly ignore fate when she tired to warn them against the perils of agreeing to carpool with upperclassmen they had never met. Needless to say, the experiences which ensued were very interesting...very interesting indeed...

**XxXxX**

"Lee, are you _sure _this is where it said to meet them?" Neji asked, skeptically eyeing the rather shady side of the school parking lot.

"Yep, it says so right here!" Lee responded brightly waving the poster in his friend's face with the hand that was not supporting his cello.

Neji sighed, and tugged on his hair uncomfortably. "Lemme see that thing," he muttered, grabbing the brightly colored piece of construction paper from Lee. It read as follows:

Selfless and Gracious Juniors Looking for Willing Freshmen to Carpool With.

If You're sick of having you mom haul your ass around all the time. then why not ride with us?

(we'll even take you to sport practices, etc.!)

Meet in lot F, 3:00 on Friday

-Your future car buddies

Obviously, Neji's sense of dread was not appeased by the ad. "Lee, why did we agree to this again?"

Lee was about to open his mouth to spew forth an encouraging stream of logical answers, when a mad call from behind gave the two little boys a fright.

"HELL YEAH! WE GOT FRESHMEEEEN!"

Neji and Lee whirled around just in time to see a beat up white Subaru station wagon of the questionable, drug-dealer variety come careening into a parking space not five yards from where they stood. The two stood in open-mouthed horror at the thought of actually going out into traffic riding in a vehicle that looked as if it should belong to a pedophile. As if that weren't scary enough, the people _driving _the car were enough to make a couple of little preps like Neji and Lee positively piss their pants.

The driver's door opened with a sinister pneumatic hiss, and out stepped a blonde individual of a metrosexual inclination. He was wearing tight, black jeans tucked into some seriously massive combat boots; complete with superfluous buckles and random shiny pieces. His hair was in a pony tail high up on his head, with bangs sweeping down to cover one darkly-lined cobalt blue eye. He was wearing a shirt that looked suspiciously like it came out of the girls' section at a department store, which revealed a generous portion of his toned tummy.

As odd as he may have been, his companion took the cake. Also wearing tight black jeans, this individual seemed to disregard the common social practices of wearing a shirt, or shoes for that matter. Instead, his muscled chest was exposed by the knee-lenght traditional crimson robe he wore. His silver hair (whether natural or dyed, neither Neji nor Lee could tell) was slicked back from his pallid, finely-featured face. His piercing violet eyes boring into the cowering freshmen before him, he spoke in a resounding tenor,

"Ne, Deidara, we got us some preppy little mofos, don't we?"

The blonde, presumably Deidara smiled widely and nodded. "This is gonna be fun, unn. Haha, look at them, they're scared of us! Aww, it's okay little freshmen. I'm Deidara, and this is Hidan un. Don't worry, he's not as scary as he looks, you just need to watch out for his swearing problem, and you'll be alright. You learn to ignore it real fast, anyways, un!"

Neji's mouth moved but he was unable to force the words past his lips. Lee whimpered and Neji slowly drew his eyes away from their new 'car buddies' to look at his idiotic best friend. He gasped as the realized that he had a death grip on Lee's hand, and the tips of the boys fingers were slowly turning purple. He released his friend, not failing to notice the knowing look that was shared between Hidan and Deidara.

After the awkward turtle had been swimming around in the thick silence for a few moments, Lee bravely broke the ice.

"Ano, Deidara-san?"

The blonde looked absolutely thrilled that his underclassman was speaking to him.

"Yes?"

"I"m Rock Lee, and this is my best friend Hyuuga Neji, your new, um 'car buddies'! I was just wondering if you and Hidan-san would be willing to drive me downtown every friday for my symphony rehearsal?" Lee yelled in Deidara's face.

"No need to fucking scream at us, brat." Hidan muttered, making Deidara elbow him roughly in the ribs with a whispered warning of, "Don't be rude, un."

He turned his bright smile back to Lee and brightly announced "It would be no problem what soever, un." before skipping gleefully to the driver's seat of the car.

"Okay, fucktards, throw your cello in the trunk and strap yourselves in." Hidan said threateningly.

The two smaller boys timidly followed their very scary chauffeur to the car, where Deidara was already sitting behind the wheel. Right as he reached the hood of the car, he whirled around suddenly and smacked the rusted metal, apparently for no reason.

Lee and Neji flinched.

"Alriiight, kiddies!" he said in that over-bearing way of his, "If we're gonna haul your asses around, you better listed good. This here, " he affectionately stroked the hood of the Subaru, "Is Old Bessie. We sometimes like to call her the 'Screaming Shit-hole of Automotive Death' as a term of endearment."

Lee once again found his hand in Neji's vice-like grip, as the two little freshmen stared in awe at Hidan, as he continued.

"The rules are so easy even people with fuck-for-brains could figure them out. First, don't touch the radio. Second, don't touch my rosary (The dangly thing hangin from the mirror, heathen preps). Third, don't distract Dei while he's driving in traffic. Got it, shit-eaters?"

They nodded mutely, still wide-eyed in shock, and after stowing Lee's cello in the spacious trunk, the two climbed into the back seat, and buckled up.

As Deidara started the car, Hidan adjusted the mirror so that his chilling violet eyes fell on the reflections of the nervous freshmen in the back seat; The papery skin around them creasing as he smiled wickedly.

"Oh, and by the way, " he added as an afterthought, "To us, getting into the car, is the same as signing a release form."

And then with a wild cry from Deidara, and less-than-manly screams from Lee, they drove straight over the curb, and sped off into the blinding sun and indigestion that is rush-hour traffic.

**XxXxX**

If being a good driver constitutes delivering one's passengers safely to their destination, then, yes, Deidara was a good driver.

However, If being a good driver constitutes delivering one's passengers safely to their destination, with their mental and emotional health intact, then, no, Deidara was _not_ a good driver.

In all fairness, Neji had to admit that Hidan and Deidara weren't all that bad. Sure, they were freaks, but they were freaks that drove them around and gave them free food.

After an eventful 35 minute car ride, complete with a detour to McDonald's where Hidan had made the trainee cry, the quartet of adolescent males had arrived downtown, and were currently pulling into the State Street parking garage. Deidara smoothly pulled up to the little building, and rolled down the window fully intending to explain to the little parking man that they were just dropping Neji, Lee, and Lee's cello off, and would be back in two hours to pick them up. No problem, right?

Wrong. As soon as the window was rolled down, the boys were immediately met with the grotesque sight of an oily little man in a stained security suit, stuffing his fleshy face with stale donuts while watching football on a miniature T.V. His beady little eyes narrowed, taking in the hunk of shit car, the questionable attire of the two boys in the front seat, and the bumper stickers and various adornments surrounding the vehicle. All in all, the situation simply _screamed _of teenage delinquency.

"Hi there, un, " Deidara brightly began, only to be cut off.

"Give me 10 bucks or leave," The man stated flatly.

Deidara's winning smile didn't even falter, as he began again,

"Heh heh, Well, ya see, we were just gonna drop off our friends here for their symphony practice, and then come back in two hours to pick them up, un."

"Suuuure," the guard said sarcastically, before leaning into Deidara's face and hissing malevolently, "I've seen your kind before, Blondie, the kind that comes at night with paint balls, eggs, and spray paint. It's teenage scumbags like you that make me have to stay here late into the night! SCRUBBING YOUR FILTH OFF OF MY BEAUTIFUL CONCRETE!" The man's voice rose hysterically, and Deidara flinched away.

"Okaay..un.."

Hidan, however, wasn't gonna stand for the injustice.

"Listen fuckface, we're here to drop our car buddies off for their goddamn music thing. We've even got a fucking _cello _in the trunk, So if you don't let us in _RIGHT NOW_, I'll crawl back there, rip a fucking string off, and tie it around you as-"

His rant was cut short as his best friend stuffed an entire six-piece McNugget meal into his mouth. Smiling apologetically, Deidara had not yet given up on the diplomatic approach.

"Unnn, yeah, um, he didn't mean that..."

The guard wasn't buying it.

"Look, you and that greasy-haired little rat had better fork over the cash or leave, or else I'm calling for backup." He said in a tone that obviously conveyed that he thought that last bit was rather bad-ass of him.

Deidara's darkly-lined eyes narrowed dangerously, as he spoke in a low tone- politeness abandoned.

"You can insult my car, my generation, or me all you want, but if you insult my friends, you cross the line."

The nasty little parking devil, not seeing a metrosexual blonde teenager as much of a threat, blithely continued.

"Ya know, seeing as that brat has a major language problem, I think I'll charge you _double,"_

"THAT TEARS IT!" The blonde screamed, stepping with all his limited strength on the gas pedal, and ramming straight through the wooden barrier of the gate. Deidara laughing maniacally, Hidan spewing chunks of over-processed meat, and Neji and Lee once again holding on to each other for dear life, the car full o' boys spun madly through the parking garage the wrong way, finally coming to a screeching halt.

**XxXxX**

Five minutes later found Lee attempting to explain to the tuba player why he and his cello were covered in chicken. When s\he jokingly asked what he would come to rehearsal covered in next week, Lee sweat-dropped, looked over at Neji and shared a wry smile with his best friend.

After all, knowing Hidan and Deidara, it was sure to be a surprise.

**XxXxX**

**FIN**


	2. Chapter I: Fast Food Gone Awry

**INTRODUCTION: Regardless of whether it pleases you or not, I am indeed alive and ready to get started on a newish fic. I say "newish" because on the urgings of Muria and many others, I have decided to expand what is probably my most popular fic, "When Carpools Get Ugly" into a full-blown story: a satirical and cracktastic high school fic at that. So please prepare yourselves for a loosely connected series of oneshots that, together, shall form a piece of fanfiction that I hope shall redefine the chiched high school fic for all who read it...Or a fic that's at least good for a laugh or two. I could definitely live with that, ahaha.**

**NOTES:CAUTION Language, Cross-dressing, and Strange Idioms added for comedic effect. If it doesn't make sense at first, just keep reading. Consume at own risk, crack abounds.**

**When Carpools Get Ugly**

**Chapter I.**

**Fast Food Gone Awry**

**6:35 pm. -Burger King Drive-Thru**

With a static crackle, the speaker finally turned on.

"Welcome to Burger King, my name is Kiba, how can I help you tonight?"

Shifting his cello slightly and pulling his thin track jacket tighter around his lean frame in a vain attempt to block out the cold of the early spring evening, Rock Lee leaned in towards the plastic menu.

"Kiba, It's Lee."

There came an exasperated and static-y sigh, followed by Kiba's voice.

"Dude, for the LAST time, NO, I _canNOT_ get you a discount on tater tots!"

Raising an eyebrow, Neji nudged his best friend and inquired, "Tater tots?"

"Potatoes are my indulgent passion," Lee responded dreamily, staring almost longingly at the illuminated, brightly colored picture of tater tots on the menu.

Rolling his eyes and shoving Lee out of the way, Neji said briskly into the speaker, "Kiba, I know this is a challenge for you, but please, _try _to understand; we _really _need your help."

"Ya know, Hyuuga, insulting my intelligence really isn't the best way to ask for it," Kiba sniffed haughtily, clearly offended. "Luckily for you, we're kinda in a lull right now, so I _might_ be able to squeeze you in...if you ask nicely enough, that is."

"Kiba, you work as a cashier at Burger King. Shove the attitude."

"I'm just gonna ignore that last stab at my ego. Now whaddaya need?"

"A place to hide. We kinda agreed to carpool with some creepy juniors an-" Neji began, but Kiba interrupted.

"Wait a sec, do you mean that freak-o transvestite and his scarier-than-shit satanist friend?"

"Why does _EVERYONE_ know about them but us!? " Lee wailed hopelessly in the background.

"I blame you," Neji mouthed, even though he was secretly thinking the same thing. Shivering slightly, he turned back to the speaker, abruptly cutting off Lee's increasingly desperate explanations.

"Yeah, those are the ones. Anyways, they drove us to Lee's youth symphony rehearsal today and we just barely managed to escape with our lives. I dunno if they're gonna come looking for us, but I am NOT gonna take any chances. These guys are insane. So will you help us?"

"Sure, why not? I'm pretty bored, so it'll give me somethin to do," came Kiba's unconcerned answer, " Mkay, so just drive around to the back, and park behind the dumpster. In like twenty minutes when I go on break, I'll sneak you in through the back door and you can chill with me until the end of my shift. I'll take you home."

Neji and Lee shared a dismayed glance, and Lee squeakily repeated, "T-twenty minutes?!"

"Yeeaaah, is that problem?"

Neji took over the speaker, once again cutting Lee off.

"Heh heh, well, let's say...hypothetically of course, that we didn't have a car, and were standing in front of the speaker severely underdressed for this weather and were becoming rather cold an-"

"-and we needed a place to stow a cello that does not do well in humid environments- all hypothetically that is," Lee finished delicately.

Silence. Then.

"So lemme get this straight: you WALKED all the way from STATE STREET with a _cello_, then went through the DRIVE thru, key word, _DRIVE... without a friggen CAR?!_ Is that what I'm hearing?!"

"Well...yeah," Lee responded lamely.

In all his fury, Kiba was rapidly becoming bitingly sarcastic. "So as if this in and of itself isn't enough to get me fired for my friends and me pulling 'crazy teenage shenanigans,' as my boss would say, why don't the two of you just pull on around and climb in through the damn WINDOW just to top it all off!"

Lee looked at Neji, who shrugged, muttering, 'Got nothin else to lose'. and responded, "Great idea! We'll be right over!"

"Wait, wha-?" Kiba began, but Neji and Lee were already off, running around the building as quickly as two boys burdened with a cello could. Upon arriving, they found Kiba glaring at them mercilessly through the grimy window. Neji tapped it pathetically, mouthing, "You promised to help us!"

But Kiba just firmly shook his head.

"Come ON!" Yelled Neji, while Lee just burst into tears. Being a secret softy, and being completely unable to deal with the suffering of his friends, Kiba finally opened the window, throughly irritated.

"Ugh, FINE! Just crawl in here like the vermin you- OOMPH!"

But sadly, that was as far as poor Kiba ever got, for at that moment, Neji and Lee together with one violent heave, managed to shove the cello quite forcibly through the window. Not expecting the blow, Kiba was hit full in the face and thrown to the ground- the cello falling in on top of him. Neji and Lee followed soon after.

"Well," stated Rock Lee with an air of finality, "Thank goodness Kiba was there to soften the blow. It would have cost me hundreds if this thing got damaged." He gestured in a vaguely downwards direction to where Kiba was, indeed, sandwiched in between the cello and the grimy, greasy tiles of the floor. "Thanks for finally letting us in, jerk., " he added, gently nudging Kiba with his foot.

The boy did not stir.

Neji and Lee exchanged nervous glances. "Oh shit..." muttered the Hyuuga, "shit shit shiiiiit." He knelt down and poked the Inuzuka heartily in the side. He screamed in his face, he even poured half a glass of ice water over his head, but Kiba still didn't move. Finally, he looked up at Lee, and sadly shook his head from side to side, saying gravely, "Lee, do you know what this means?" Lee's eyes welled up with tears.

"W-we're MUUUUUUUURDERRRRRRERS!! Oh no, I'm too young! I had my whole life ahead of me! We'll have to shove his body in the freezer, oh poor, poor Kiba!" He collapsed into sobs. Resisting the urge to face palm, Neji went ahead and doused his mourning friend with the remainder of the ice water. Spluttering and choking, Lee finally calmed down.

"No, you idiot! He's just unconscious. At the very worst with a slight concussion. I was referring to the fact that we're now alone in a fast food restaurant with no idea what we're doing, our only help lying on the floor unconscious, hiding from two deranged lunatics, and my cell phone's running low on batteries."

"Oh," came Lee's meaningful response. He immediately brightened, "Well at least it can't get much worse!"

And at that very moment, an all-too-familiar voice buzzed through Kiba's discarded headset. Through the dread of their darkest hour, what salutation did the two unfortunate boys hear?

"Yo, shitbags, I wanna fucking burger."

Neji and Lee looked at each other, both their stomach's simultaneously dropping with anesthetizing horror. Neji reached for the mic, and with a shaky voice, said in a convincing falsetto, "Hello, my name is Hinata, may I take your order?"

**Thirty Minutes Earlier- In the Hallway of the Music Building**

_"Hey you!"_

The unfortunate redhead with the tuba kept walking and glanced over her shoulder, a very skeptical expression on her freckly face.

"Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to _you_, bitch!"

This time, the now very confused girl stopped in her tracks and turned fully around, only to see a silver haired teenager in a crimson robe with a dour expression on his face, accompanied by an androgynous blonde who was twittering about. She was almost positive she could hear a none-too-discreet whisper of, "Be careful not to _scare _her Hida, cause right now you kinda look like you wanna eat her face off, un!"

Without the fuzziest idea of what she was getting into, the tuba player bravely asked, "What do you want?"

"Did you happen to see a couple a little shitfaced preps walkin around here with a cello?"

The girl's brow furrowed with confusion."You mean Lee and his friend Neji? Yeah, I've seen them...why?"

"Oh no reason, just cause I like randomly accosting little girls in sketchy hallways."

The girl's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as she took a few steps back. "I-I have pepper spray in my backpack..DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!:"

"I was being SARCASTIC you fucking idiot! I'm LOOKING for them. We're in their motherfucking CARPOOL!"

The girl became visibly calmer. "Oh. Well I haven't seen them since rehearsal let out. They left in a big hurry, though."

"Well, what a fucking load of help you are," Hidan said bitterly, shaking his hair out of his face. The girl looked upset at being simultaneously insulted and cussed out. Feeling sorry for her, Deidara decided to try to be nice.

"Aww. Don't feel bad, un. He's mean to everybody. Here," he rummaged mysteriously in his tight pocket, "Do you want some candy?"

All the color drained from the unfortunate tuba player's face. "I-I KNEW IT! I saw you guys pulling up in that white van! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP-O PEDOPHILES!! IF I SEE NEJI AND LEE I'M GONNA TELL THEM TO CALL THE POLICE!" and with that, the girl ran away as fast as she could, her tuba completely forgotten in the hall, leaving Hidan apoplectic, and Deidara standing in a dumbfounded silence.

"How the fuck are we supposed to be PEDOPHILES?! In case you didn't notice, we're SEVEN-FUCKING-TEEN, you retard!" He yelled at the retreating back of the tuba player, spraying saliva across her instrument case," Yeah, you run away BITCH, but don't expect to ever see your goddamn, fatass, overgrown KAZOO ever again!" He violently kicked the tuba, earning him nothing but a sore foot. Blazoning obscenities at an unprecedented level, Hidan rounded on his best friend.

" 'Do you want some candy', Deidara? _ 'Do you want some CANDY?!'" _

The blonde flinched violently, and began in a weak mutter, "I-I didn't think-"

"HAH! You're damn right you didn't think! So now, not only have you convinced everyone in this building that we're goddamn _child snatchers_, but you also _lost the heathen preps!_"

"It's not my fault, un!!" wailed Deidara in ultimate distress.

Hidan's silent incredulity was enough.

"Okaaaay. So the child-molester part was. But still, I don't see how it's _my_ fault we lost the preps."

By this time, Hidan was pinching the bridge of his nose to quell the coming migraine.

"Just get in the fucking car, Deidara."

"Yes, Hidan."

**A Few Minutes Later- Somewhere on The Interstate**

"Hey Hida, un?"

"Shh, not now. I'm trying counting how many truckers get mad at me when I flick them off- YEAH, WELL SAME TO YOU, BASTARD!" Hidan knelt upright in the seat and made a face accompanied with several rude gestures at a truck driver who appeared to be reciprocating the actions.

"Mkay, I'm done. Yeah?" He turned back around, smiling at his best friend.

"D'you wanna go to Burger King? I'm getting another craving for tater tots, un."

The other sighed. "Dei, what the fuck's up with you and tater tots? Is this some kinda fetish I should know about?"

"Nahh. I'm not that weird, un. I dunno, I just kinda have a thing for them. Despite the fact that they go straight to my thighs..."

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Just don't miss your exit."

Thirty seconds found the two partners in crime sitting in the abandoned drive thru at Burger King. Before pulling all the way up, Deidara turned around to face Hidan with a serious expression.

"Now Hidan, un, let's try to be a little nicer to the cashier this time, okay?"

"Okay!" Hidan agreed brightly, and leaning over Deidara into the speaker, he placed his order.

"Yo, shitbags, I wanna fucking burger."

Deidara's winning smile didn't falter.

"We're making progress. un."

**Meanwhile- Inside the Kitchen**

"Whatdowedo, whatdowedo, whatdowedo." Twittering about in a fine frenzy, Lee tugged on his best friend's sleeve. Swatting his hand away, Neji put the headset fully on and began punching in Hidan's order.

"Yeaah, I wanna whopper, hold the mayo, hold the lettuce, hold the onions, hold the cheese...ya know, on second thought, just give me like four plain burgers with just ketchup and pickles, oh and of course, a goddamn thing of tater tots..." There was a long pause with a kind of scuffling sound in ther background, and then Hidan's voice added, "_Please_. Gawd, I fucking hate being so damn _polite."_

Thinking quickly, Neji said in the same ridiculous high-pitched voice, "Uhhhm, that might take just a minute sir, we're switching kitchen staff- shift change."

"Yeah, whatever, just as long as you give me my fucking food."

"Yes sir."

Neji ripped off the headset, and whipped around to face Lee- a frantic look in his eyes.

"_Shit_. What do I _do._"

Lee contemplated this a moment, his buggy black eyes rolling skyward. "Hmm. Pretending to be your cousin is a good idea. Just put on Kiba's staff shirt, put your hair up, and you'll be fine. I'll go hide."

"Right," agreed Neji, already in the process of changing, "Wait! What about my eyes? They're too distinctive! Quick, search Kiba and see if he has any sunglasses on him." Neji was now winding a hair tie around his long, thick brown hair.

"Right!" said Lee, doing a quick salute, and crouching down beside his unconscious compadre.

"Kiba," he began, taking his fallen friend's hand, "I do apologize for the vaguely homosexual nature of all this, but as I'm sure you'd understand-"

A desperate yell from Neji cut him off. "JUST DO IT!"

And with a cry of, "FORGIVE ME!" Lee patted Kiba down until he finally found the pair of knock-off

aviators in his pocket. The Hyuuga snatched the sunglasses right out of his hand and shoved them on his face.

"How do I look?"

Squinting one eye and tilting his head, Lee regarded his best friend.

"Very convincing!"

"Good." Neji whipped around to face the window, right hand hovering over the headset.

"Exceeept..."

Neji whipped back around. " 'Except?' What's this 'Except?' We _don't have time_ for 'Except'. "

Lee sighed and shook his head, a very patronizing gleam in his eyes. "Neji, Neji, Neji. You lack one very-ahem- _distinctive_ anatomical feature common to the female kind. It's the only thing that's giving you away."

Neji glanced down. "Oh you have _got_ to be kidding me."

Lee solemnly turned around saying, "Sadly, Neji, I kid you not." He turned back around with a grim smile, and a wrapped burger in each hand.

Staring uncomprehendingly at the burgers at first, Neji looked up at Lee, who held them to his chest. Neji's mouth dropped open.

"Oh, no..._Oh GAWD NO!_"

"Neji."

_"FINE!"_

With a look of utter and complete disgust, Neji grabbed the burgers from Lee and shoved them unceremoniously down his shirt.

Glancing disapprovingly at Neji's new lopsided bust, Lee said condescendingly, "Oh no, that'll never do." He reached out to adjust the burgers, but stopped blushing slightly and saying, "I do beg your pardon, Miss Hinata. How inappropriate of me."

Without missing a beat, Neji slapped his blushing friend across the face. "Just fix the damn burgers."

As soon as Lee had him properly adjusted, Neji flew to the window, grabbed the headset and said at record pace, "Your total is 8.35, please pull up to the window." Lee, frantically shoving burgers and tater tots in bags, spun around, handed them to Neji, and the dove to the floor, and not a moment too soon.

As the station wagon pulled up to the window, Neji could feel the adrenaline pumping. For some bizzare reason, it seemed as though his whole life had been leading up to this moment- that this was it. He could have done without greasy burgers down his front, but ya know, shit happens. They were close enough that he could see them now, Deidara driving, nodding and laughing as Hidan told a story; neither of them paying attention to him. Absentmindedly, Dei rolled down the window. 'Oh shit,' thought Neji, 'here it goes.' With a shaking hand, he pushed the button to open the window.

"So anyways, he was like, "Dude! You just totally got screwed in poker by my grandma, and I was all haha serves you right you motherfucking-WOAH." Inside the car, Hidan abruptly cut off as both he and Deidara stared openmouthed at "Hinata."

A tense pause.

Giggling nervously in what he hoped was a girlish fashion, Neji began, "Uhm, do you want barbecue sauce with that?"

Another tense moment of twitchy-eyed staring followed until, finally,

"Un, who puts barbecue sauce on burgers?" Deidara deadpanned.

"Heh heh, right." Said Neji, taking the ten dollar bill Deidara offered him.

As he turned around to make the change, he could clearly make out Hidan's tastefully discreet whisper of, "Betcha twenty bucks they're fake."

Deidara, who was obviously still staring at him said softly, "Well obviously, un. But I still can't help but think i know her from somewhere."

At this statement, Neji's hand twitched and knocked over the tip container, sending change right into Lee's face. Glancing nervously downward, and then back up at the window, Neji smiled charmingly at his car buddies' confused stares, and handed them their change. Grabbing the bags, he reached over to hand them to Deidara, one at a time. The first two went without incident, but at the third, things went horribly wrong. Neji leaned over too far and his right burger slipped down to his hip.

Deidara gasped in a kindly way, obviously sympathetic. "Oh, you poor thing, un! I don't think I've ever seen implants go that terribly wrong before!" As he continued his increasingly frantic condolences, Hidan just stared at Neji, who was uncomfortably fxing his burger. Finally, just when he thought he had gotten it back in place and let go, it plopped out with an awkward thud right on the counter. All three boys just stared at it.

A stupendously awkward moment ensued.

"Dude, what the fuck's up with _that_?"

The silence mounted. Lee was attempting to do the Heimlich Maneuver on himself as quietly as humanly possible after choking on a quarter. Hidan was staring at him with a look of utter incredulity whilst Deidara was scrutinizing him through narrowed eyes. Finally, the blonde pieced it together.

"Hold it! I've seen those pants before today, un; kakhi, American Eagle with a ripped pocket. And that hair...oh my gawd...Ne-neji?!"

Hidan burst into hysterics, Deidara joining in soon after, and Neji finally picking up nervously. As abruptly as he began, Hidan stopped dead, and turned to Neji with his scarier-than-shit face on.

"So, you thought you could hide from us, eh?"

Speechless, Neji's mouth flopped open and shut like a fish.Lee finally managed to dislodge the quarter and stood up, wiping a string of drool from his mouth and saying, "That's exactly what we thought!"

Deidara looked hurt, "But why would you do that, un?"

Feeling immediately guilty at causing the blonde to pout, Lee backpetaled furiously. "Well, " he delicately began, "It's just we weren't expecting our new car buddies to be so...soooo..." he cut off searching fruitlessly for words. Neji kindly filled in the blank.

"...Freaking scary."

Hidan's face went from powder white to violent magenta in three seconds flat. Unexpectedly, he forcefully slammed his head down on the dashboard with an angry proclamation of, "WHY THE HELL DOES _EVERYONE_ THINK I'M SCARY?!"

Neji and Lee wisely chose to leave this question unanswered.

Still furious, Hidan verbally attacked Lee. "Alright, I'm only gonna ask this once, so answer me plainly, none of this cryptic shit. Do you or do you not wanna continue this goddamn carpool thing?"

Nervously biting his trembling lip, Lee's gaze darted from Deidara's pleading pout, to Neji's doom-laden expression complete with a minute shaking of the head and slashing motion across the throat, to Hidan's bulging veins, barred pointy teeth, and disheveled hair. There really was no contest.

"Uhm, I, well, yes." Lee hung his head in hopeless shame.

"Hey now, wait just a second," Neji attempted to protest.

_"Get in the car."_

"Bu-" Lee began.

"Let's try this again, get in the damn car before I shove one a Neji's burger boobs so far up your-"

"HIDAN!" Deidara cut in, appalled, "Let's try to keep it PG in front of the freshmen, un."

Neji and Lee both opened their mouths to speak, but sadly never got the chance.

"IN THE CAR!"

"YES SIR!"

Both little preps ran around to the door about a yard off of the window that they had completely ignored the first time, and obediently scurried to the car. With an enormous sense of Deja Vu , they stowed Lee's cello in the trunk and climbed into the back. Once again in the back of "Old Bessie" Neji glared at Lee, who smiled nervously and asked, pointing to Neji's remaining burger, "Are you gonna eat that?" But Neji's assuredly witty response was swallowed up by Hidan and Deidara's wild yells as they once again sped off at illegal speeds to unknown destinations. Leaving Kiba lying shirtless on the nasty floor with a line of drool dripping down his pointed chin and his fake aviators stolen, only to be woken up half an hour later by his irate boss.

He was fired.

And Lee never did get that discount on those tater tots.

**TBC**

**More Heinous Notes: Well, there you have it! My update for this will be every second Monday, unless I am struck by inspiration. I tried to keep Hidan, Lee, and Kiba as much in character as possible, but I feel like I only succeeded with Hidan and Lee. Especially Hidan, he's just too easy to write. Deidara's just kinda gonna be spaztic and half-crazed at all times, so there's really not much point. My only excuse for Neji's OOCness was just the fact that he always strikes me as the type to be totally in control at most times, but when he spazzes, he REALLY spazzes. I'll do better next time! (insert determined face here)**

**By the way, Kiba was just kind of picked at random, haha. **

**Thanks to Shadow, Muria, Spader, and Sorafan 08 for inspiration!**

**Until Next Time-**

**BISCUIT**


	3. Chapter II: The Pitch

**Notes: So i went to the DMV today, and am now a semi-liscenced drive. Beware. **

**Now, onto notes that are actually relevant to the story: this chapter intros a little three part mini series. Basically just three connected chapters to add a plot line to the story..which it was originally lacking. ' Get ready! We're gonna get some CONFLICT! woot woot! **

**When Carpools Get Ugly**

**Chapter II.**

**Operation Infiltration Part I- The Pitch**

**2:53 am. - Monday night: Three days after the burger boob incident**

It was three in the morning, their history project was due tomorrow, and Hyuuga Neji refused to acknowledge the fact that he was stressing out. He had, in fact, reached the end of his rope long ago. This week had gotten off to a hectic start with the whole carpool fiasco (how they had even gotten involved, let alone why they chose to STAY involved was still a mystery to Neji). Then came all of the homework, the major project he was working on now; and that's not even going into the unpleasant fast food experience of three days earlier. Neji had been pushing himself to the breaking point for far too long. Now, he was close to snapping. He simply couldn't deal with the pressure- that and the fact that he no longer knew if he would even _survive_ the commute to and from school every day.

Reaching with an already shaking hand for his fifth espresso, he quickly downed the cold coffee, and glared disapprovingly at his best friend, who was lying slumped over the pool table- head resting in one hand.

_"Lee!" _Neji viciously hissed.

The boy's head shot off his hand and collided with the felt-covered surface of the table. Hard.

"Wha?" He blinked groggily up at Neji, who irritably ran a hand through his messy, greasy haystack of hair.

_"Are you aSLEEP!?" _Each word was laced with venom.

"Not anymo-OOOe," Lee managed to say around a massive yawn.

"Rock Lee._ May I remind you that our project is due TOMORROW!!"_

"Nej', quit stressin'"

One side of Neji's face contorted in a terrific spasmodic twitch. _"I AM NOT STRESSED!"_

He opened a sixth can of Starbuck's espresso, and took a sip to steady his nerves.

"Now. I've managed to get almost all of it done, no thanks to your _'genius'_ work ethic, I might add. I have NO idea what that P.E. teacher Gai was smoking when he ranted about the whole "genius of hard work" bullshit, but you've been NO help at all. Luckily, all that's left is to sew the-_what the hell do you think you're doing?!_

Lee had gently laid his head down on his best friend's shoulder, and was now making himself quite cozy.

"Neji_eee_! 'S late. We cn finish 'omorrow." Lee was so tired he was slurring his words.

"_No, we canNOT finish tomorrow_! We've reached the dead line, the key word being _DEAD_, which is what _we're_ gonna be when we ask Itzumo-sensei for an exte-_WHAT WAS THAT!?_"

An echoing clatter, followed by a worrisome series of screams, and an human screech, finally surmounting in a sickening thud, sounded from the outside.

" 'S nothin. Prolly jus the neighbors. ...Druggies..n...think they're on...heroin...shmaybe crack...ne'ways, prolly thought it was funny to push the ole man's golf clubs down...fire 'scape, seventh time..."

Lee broke off his barely-coherent explanation in another jaw-cracking yawn; settling down even further into Neji's bony shoulder. Said Hyuuga looked around nervously: Lee lived on the top floor of an apartment complex in the shadier section of suburbia. Being the little snob he was, Neji was feeling quite uncomfortable by this time.

"Neji?" Lee's thick voice brought his best friend out of his thoughts.

"Hmmm?"

"I think, shmaybe I can go a little more..."

"Oh _good_." Neji breathed a sigh of relief. Lee, however, had not finished his thought.

"...if you make me some chicken."

_"What?"_

"There's a box in the fridge...Pweaaaaaase?"

Grumbling and shaking, Neji stood up, causing Lee to teeter sideways before finally coming back in contact with the pool table. As soon as his head hit the felt he was out like a light.

"_Chicken?! _Who in creation would want, greasy, nasty, three day old _chicken_ at 3:00 in the morning!" The seething brunette wrenched open the refrigerator door, grabbed the box, took out the chicken, and shoved it unceremoniously into the microwave. He then clumsily attempted to pour a bowl of cereal for himself. Neji almost missed the bowl while pouring the milk because he was too busy glowering at Captain Crunch. Stupid Captain, mocking him with that cheesy grin...

"I still don't see why we couldn't just make a nice _easy_ powerpoint...but _nooOoo_,_ that's just not good_ enough for SOME peop...le.." Neji turned around to put away the milk and stopped dead in his tracks.

The cereal bowl went clattering to the tiled floor as Neji froze, staring straight into a pair of darkly lined deep blue eyes, the owner of which grinned slyly and muttered to no one in particular,

"Infiltration Complete, un."

Mouth still open in wordless fear, Neji attempted to blot, only to run bodily into a bare, muscular chest. Bloody and bruised white hands immediately grabbed his shoulders, and after forcefully turning him around, he and his psychopathic captors began a wordless march to the living room.

"Well...poo," muttered the Hyuuga under his breath, because by this time, he knew all too well what he was in for.

**Thirty Minutes Earlier- Underneath a sketchy street light**

"Socket Wrench?"

"Check."

"Map of the School?"

"Check"

"Flash Light and Walkie-Talkies?"

"Double-check, un."

"Lock-picking Kit, whipped cream, rope, tuba we stole from that bitch at the music place, grappling hooks, and spray paint?"

"Check, hells to da yeah, check, check, check-a-roo and check."

"Alright," proclaimed Hidan, "Let's do this shit."

His partner saluted. "Right-o Captain!"

Looking both ways before stealthily pulling a black ski mask over his face, the blonde creeped out of the light, through an obscure alley littered with the broken bottles of cheep beers, and finally, after doing a completely unnecessary army roll out onto the sidewalk bordering a sleepy suburban street, he found himself facing a locked grille that covered the doorway to an apartment complex. Facing the imposing iron gate, Deidara smirked.

"Heh heh heh...Prepare to be violated, UN!" and with a flourish, he pulled out his lock-picking kit. Back under the streetlight, Hidan hung his head in embarrassed shame. Deidara, meanwhile, was having difficulty. When the first lock pick hadn't worked, he had tried the next, thinking nothing of it. But now, after the eleventh consecutive failure, he was beginning to think something was wrong.

Unbuckling his cheap walkie-talkie from his utility belt, the blonde spoke into the device. "Papa Hida, this is Sparky, come in Papa Hida, over"

"Papa HIda to Sparky, are we clear, over?" came the staticy response.

"Negative, un. Plan A failed, permission to continue to plan B, over."

"Roger that, return to Papa, Sparky, repeat, return to Papa! Over and out."

Nodding grimly, Deidara scuttled back to the streetlight where Hidan and the car full of equipment were waiting. Grabbing the rope and grappling hooks, the two proceeded the edge of the alley where the fire escape hung suspended by iron bars a full fifteen feet above their heads.

Looking to Hidan, Deidara asked, "Proceed?"

The other grinned wickedly. "Damn straight."

Knowing full well that the only way to get up to the fire escape from the ground was to dislodge it from its holdings, Deidara threw the rope with a hook attached at the ladder. Amazingly, after only the first try, the hook caught.

Grinning at their mad grappling skills, Hidan said, "Alright, now all we gotta do is shimmy up this rope, and climb the rest of this goddamn thing, and we're in."

"But, Hida, un, wouldn't it just be easier to pull the ladder down instead of climbing the rope up?" asked Deidara, scratching his golden hair in perplexity.

"Of course it would be, dumb fuck, but it would make way too much noise. Trust me, we don't wanna be found in a place like this dressed like we are at this time of night. Kinda incriminating, don't you think, blondie?

"Ah, right," said the blonde, blushing slightly, "I'll go first."

"Right behind ya," Hidan agreed.

Grabbing the rope, Deidara managed to haul his scrawny frame about eight feet up, followed by the more athletic Hidan. It was when he had no more than five feet to go that Deidara began having flashbacks of fifth grade. He was the only kid who couldn't make it to the top of the climbing rope in gym class. Oh, how he was mocked. Whether it was because of this mental blockage, or a genuine lack of strength or a probable combination of the two, at this point, Deidara was struggling.

"Hiiiidaaa! I can't go any further!"

"Oh geez," the other muttered from below. "Look, for chrissake, you only got like three more feet! Just suck it up and haul your ass up there!"

"HIDAAA! I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER! GO ON WITHOUT ME UN!" Deidara, in a state of total distress, had lost his foothold on the rope and was now dangling from his rapidly slipping hands. When his companion's feet started thrashing hopelessly, Hidan began to question if it had been a good idea to let the blonde lead the way.

"YOU MORON! How the hell can I go on without you? You're ABOVE ME!"

"That's what she said!" Deidara managed to cry around his frantic whimpering.

"Oh, so even when you're convinced you're gonna fucking DIE you can still manage to crack lame ass jokes! Seriously, dude, ya gotta do better." Hidan was about to continue nagging when he noticed the other's thin, gloved hands slip another few inches, as with a loud whimper the blonde continued to fall.

Sighing irritably, Hidan called, "Hold on, Dei! Just try to find like a foothold or something!"

Deidara grunted and swung his left foot around until with an almighty "OMMMFF!" it made contact with something that crunched slightly when stepped on, and that, although effective, had definitely NOT been what Hidan meant as a foothold. Using his new-found support to haul himself up those last few critical inches, Deidara dramatically heaved himself over the rusted iron of the railing and onto the gridded fire escape. He was still panting heavily when a few seconds later Hidan followed suit: face bloody and already bruising, and with an aura of wanting to eat small puppies with barbeque sauce.

"Hida!" Deidara said amiably, as though they were running into each other at the supermarket instead of collaborating on a break-in. "You look a little pissed, un, and ya got a little something something on your face." Deidara whispered the last part as if attempting to spare Hidan of any embarrassment.

Hidan smiled and clasped his best friend on the shoulder. "Well, ya know, Dei, ole buddy, that foothold you found? Remember that?""

The blonde giggled happily and and nodded his little head; big eyes sparkling rainbow in the streetlights.

"Well that actually turned out to be my FUCKING _FACE_, YOU ABSOLUTE NINCOMPOOP!"

Wincing, Deidara began apologizing. Hidan, however was not having any of it. "Oh, save it for your fucking Halmark cards, you little shit. You're lucky you're so fucking cute, otherwise I wouldn't have put up with your shit since we were four. Now get your little tush up that ladder!"

Blinking sadly, Deidara tried again. "But Hida-"

"I. Said. GET!" Hidan barked as quietly as he could, earning a yelp of surprise as he none too gently smacked Deidara's tushie. Obediently, the blonde began to climb the ladder, as Hidan followed after grumbling all the way.

After a ridiculously strenuous climb, the pair was finally approaching the ninth landing. Lee's apartment being on the tenth floor, they had only one more to go. Gulping for air, and reaching for the rusted iron rail, Deidara emerged onto the small landing, where the blonde was very surprised to find a strangely placed collection of potted plants. He immediately collapsed to his knees amongst the geraniums, lilies, and cacti. He knew Hidan had made it up when a few seconds later he heard a sharp gasp of pain, followed by the tinkling sound of a flowerpot being tipped over. It was obvious what had happened. His best friend finally entered Deidara's sight line, limping slightly and muttering, "Fucking botany. Let's rest here a sec, Dei."

Unbeknownst to the two panting boys, not far from the landing where they stood, a creature peered out from an open window, watching them with gleaming black eyes. It was waiting to make its move.

"Gawd!" Hidan droned dramatically, "This thing's a _bitch_ to climb."

"Tell me about it, un," Deidara agreed, scoping out how far they had left to go. A bit of movement caught his eye and he sharply redirected his gaze back at one of the windows. "Hidan," he whispered nervously.

"What?!" the other snapped.

"I think we're being watched, un."

And at that moment, the creature made its move.

Deidara's eyes widened in fear as he saw a small form launch itself out of the window- moonlight glinting off of four sets of sharp claws.

"Hidan!"

"Deidara, what in Jashin's name are you on abou-ACCK!" Sadly, that was as far as Hidan got- for at that moment, the long, lithe body of some kind of demonic pet ferret latched itself firmly to his face."

"YAHH! DEIDARA! DO SOMETHING!!" Hidan cried as he clawed desperately at his face, stepping backwards until his lower back collided with the railing of the landing.

"Uhhh..." Deidara frantically searched for something that would be useful in de-ferreting HIdan's face." He gabbed the can of whipped cream.

"EAT PROCESSED SUGAR, RODENT UN!" Deidara cried, letting loose with the whipped cream. But at that very moment, the ferret detached itself from Hidan's face, and onto the whipped cream can; tearing holes in the aluminum with its sharp little claws. The pressurized contents of the can went everywhere. Deidara managed to close his eyes just in time. Unfortunately, Hidan did not.

"AHH! MY EYES!" He screamed.

"Hida! I'm coming un!" Deidara cried, his eyes still firmly shut. He reached out blindly in the direction of his friend's voice, but was quickly stopped by a tomato plant, of all things. With a squack of surprise, Deidara tripped over the plant and fell face first right into a cactus. He heard yet another thud from beside him as Hidan undoubtedly met the same fate. Finally, things settled down. Pulling needles out of his face and hair, Deidara looked up to see the sleek, black ferret lick its lips. He only had time to make out the name 'Princess' engraved in a rhinestone-studded pink collar, before the ferret slunk back into the window.

With a sigh, Deidara rolled over and sat up, still attempting to dislodge the cactus from his hair. A moment later, Hidan came to with a groan, glaring at Deidara with bloodshot eyes. He stood up, dusted himself off, and said with an air of finality, "Well then, now that the whole neighborhood's heard us, we killed some poor old lady's garden, and I'm bleeding out my fucking _eyeballs_, let's continue, shall we?"

Deidara pouted up at him. "But Hida, lemme at least get the cactus outta my hair, un."

"Dei, I'm covered in whipped cream, my face looks like I tried to get plastic surgery from a crack addict, and my favorite robe is _RUINED_. I don't fucking _CARE_ if you've got an exotic plant in your fucking hair. Let's _GO_."

And followed grudgingly by a pouting Deidara, they proceeded up the last ladder, and into Lee's kitchen where they kidnapped Neji and led him into the living room.

**3:05 am. -Lee's living room.**

"Lee," Neji hissed nervously, "Wake up."

Lee's buggy eyes gently flickered open. "Ne-Neji? Where's my chicken?"

The jumpy Hyuuga sighed and rolled his eyes, gesturing towards the two disheveled seventeen year olds next to him. "Lee, we have bigger problems than that right now."

The boy's mouth gaped open as he squinted his bleary eyes. Finally, recognition sank in as he took in their bloody, sticky, and in Deidara's case, cactus-y appearances.

"Hidan? Deidara? What happened!? You look terrible!"

"Princess the fucking ferret happened, " Hidan said tersely, "And _we_ look terrible?! I don't see your collection of fucking beauty pageant trophies anywhere, brat."

Neji cut off Lee's sure-to-be dignified comeback. "LISTEN! I don't know why the hell you two risked life, limb, and ferret attacks to climb up the fire escape, but just tell us whatever you came here to tell us! Me and Lee are in the middle of our VERY important world history project for Izumo-sensei."

Lee hung his head. "Might as well forget it, Nej. I really don't think there's any way we're gonna finish now."

The Hyuuga gasped, supremely offended." 'Forget it', Lee, " he said weakly, "FORGET IT! THAT THING IS FIFTEEN PERCENT OF OUR GRADE! _FIFTEEN PERCENT_!"

Deidara and HIdan shared a crafty glance. World history project, fifteen percent of the final grade, Izumo...the entire situation was beginning to sound_ very_ familiar.

"Hold on a sec, " Hidan said thoughtfully, "This wouldn't happen to be the project on colonial America, would it?"

Neji nodded shakily, opening his seventh can of espresso.

"And considering the fact that you're obviously so stressed out about this, you chose to do the ridiculously more difficult project that involved a five percent extra credit if done correctly, am I right?"

Looking as skeptical as he could through the uncontrollable twitching of his face, Neji jerked his head in a nod once again.

"Well it's your lucky day!" Hidan and Deidara proclaimed concordantly, spreading their arms wide, cheesy grins in place.

"Why?" Lee asked.

"Because in our youthful innocence, Dei and I _also_ chose the extra credit project when we were in Izumo-sensei's honor's world history."

"Back when we had work ethics and actually cared, un!" Deidara said brightly.

"We still have our costumes, and would be willing to alter them a little for you..." Hidan said, smiling like a cat with a canary as he watched the two hopeless freshmen's eyes light up. They both opened their mouths to speak at once, but Hidan hadn't quite finished.

"_..IF.._" he said forcefully.

"...if..?" Lee repeated nervously.

"_Dream killer_," hissed Neji.

"...You help us with a little problem of ours," Hidan finished, smirking.

"Of _course_," said Neji bitterly, "You two didn't climb up here at three in the morning just to say hello, did you? You wanted something all along, _didn't _you?"

"Hey," said Deidara with a shurg, "You two are lucky you're at least getting something out of this, un. We originally planned on just kidnapping you and forcing you to help us."

"Yeah, yeah, count yer fucking blessings, kiddies." Hidan rolled his violet eyes. "So whaddaya say? Are you in or are you in?"

Lee and Neji shared a nervous glance.

"What...exactly...do you need our help with?" Asked Neji slowly.

Hidan and Deidara's bloody faces split into identical wicked grins, as they both proclaimed,

"REVENGE."

**TBC**

**Notes: Damn, this chapter was a bitch to write. I've been working on it for about four weeks, and only just got inspiration. I originally planned on submitting it on Monday (for those of you who bothered to check my profile update) But have instead decided to release it early. Seeing as i've been gone so long (which i still feel awful about), and that this is a cliffie, I'll be giving you the next chapter in the three part "Operation Infiltration" series on MONDAY! (cheers and confetti)**

**Thanks SO much for bearing with me, yall, seriously.**

**BISCUIT**


	4. Chapter III: The Plot

**Notes: When I finished this at 1:00 this morning and reread it, it was barely coherent. So I decided to do us all a favor and edit. I think y'all will enjoy the interesting plot twist found within…..Happy reading!**

**When Carpools Get Ugly**

**Chapter III.**

**Operation Infiltration Part II- The Plot**

**3:09 am. -The elevator**

"Revenge?" Lee repeated, a puzzled expression on his face. The four boys were now in the elevator on their way to the parking lot. Apparently Hidan and Deidara's "little problem" involved sneaking out of the house in the dead of the night.

"Did I fucking stutter, brat?" Hidan was still in an unpleasant mood due to Princess's attack.

"OH no...oh nononononononooo," Neji whimpered weakly, rocking back and forth.

"Who do you need revenge on? What did they even do?" Lee's questions went unanswered, as the elevator door dinged open, as if on cue. The two seventeen year olds marched the younger boys across the checkered marble floor of the lobby, and out into the parking lot.

"You're about to find out, " Hidan said, as they rounded a corner. Neji and Lee's eyes went wide. For there, under the streetlight was old Bessie: Covered in graffiti and paintball splatters, and reeking of rotten eggs.

Lee sympathetically patted Deidara's arm, an appropriately somber expression on his face. "Dei, I'm so sorry for you and Bessie."

"What are you on!?" Neji cried, pulling at his hair, "I"m sorry for _US!_ WE'RE the ones who have to go out in _public_ in it!"

"Neji, don't you think you're being insensitive? Old Bessie isn't just a car, she's our friend!" At this point Lee and Deidara both seemed a little choked up.

With an almighty sniff, Deidara looked at Lee, grasping the younger male's shoulder. "Lee, it means so much to me that you're so understanding, un."

"Dei, " Lee said, his eyes glistening with youthful emotion, "That's what friends are for!" And the two collapsed into a watery embrace.

"Oh, for god's sake you two are acting like a couple of forty year old women watching _Titanic_, now let's get with the fucking program here!"

Wiping their streaming eyes, Deidara and Lee looked up.

"Now," Hidan said forcefully, "This whole thing is more than a little complicated, so I'm gonna need you two to pay attention." Neji grimaced and Lee saluted.

"Obviously, Old Bessie has been brutally attacked. Now, as she is our ride, and we love her to death, are we gonna take this shit lying down?"

"NO!" Lee yelled, stomping his foot.

"Why shouldn't we? Taking it lying down…that sounds good.." Neji muttered rather desperately.

Hidan glared at Neji and yelled in his face, "NO WE ARE FUCKING _NOT_!"

"Now then, we are still unsure as to what sick bastard committed these atrocities unto dear Bessie, but is a little thing like that gonna stop us from wreaking our revenge?"

"NO!" Lee shouted again.

"I suppose not, seeing as obviously lacking your _sanity _hasn't stopped you from anything," Neji said, resigning himself to his defeat.

"Damn straight it's not! Now, this is the complicated part. Bessie's attack happened on Friday night, right after we dropped the two of you off. When Dei woke up on Saturday morning, Bessie had been defaced. This afternoon we both received the same anonymous letter in the mail, " Hidan continued, holding out a piece of college ruled paper.

_We know who did it. You know what we're talking about._

_Meet us at the school, Monday night at 3:35 am, to help us with a little "project." If you're cooperative, we'll tell you everything we know. "_

_ "_So, " Hidan said, a look of grim determination on his face, "in order to wreak our own revenge, we gotta help some snot-nosed underclassmen do their dirty work first. Fucking load of trouble, but Bessie, and our reputations, are worth it,

Neji's slapped his forehead in exasperation. "_THINK_, would you? What if whoever wrote that letter was bluffing you? What if it's the person who attacked the car? What _then_?"

Hidan seemed to ponder this for a moment, his blood stained silver eyebrows arching. "Well, then we use it as an opportunity to knock some heads together. We'll show the younger generation of juvenile delinquents who's still the fucking boss!"

"Oh _God_," groaned Neji, "And I used to be such a good kid, too. How did we get mixed up with the wrong crowd, Lee?"

But his question was lost on Lee, who pumped his fist in the air and cheered, "WHOOO! HELL YEAH! SHOW 'EM WHO'S BOSS!"

Neji, Deidara, and HIdan all looked at him- vaguely shocked at his stupidity. They proceeded to Bessie Neji still groaning in protest.

"Hey, why dontcha get that royal stick outta yer ass, your highness?" Hidan asked, leading the two to the reeking car where Deidara was already behind the wheel, "We're gonna have fun tonight!"

"That's what I was afraid of, " Neji muttered, as they drove off in the direction of the school.

**3:29 am- High school parking lot**

"I love how even at 3:30 in the morning there's no place to park, un, " Deidara swerved to avoid a dented lunchbox in his path and sped up.

"And the last sixty parking spaces you passed were unsatisfactory….why?" Neji quipped.

"Don't question Dei's intuition." Hidan turned around in the seat and captured Neji in his frigid stare.

"Right…"

Three minutes found Old Bessie parked in a satisfactory parking spot. The four boys began the familiar treck to the high school doors, Deidara and HIdan proudly leading the way, with Neji and Lee following, laden down with mysterious rolling suitcases bearing the "equipment."

The large institutionalized metal doors creaked open revealing a shadowed hallway littered ominously with debris and office supplies. The water fountain dripped in the stillness of the night, and somewhere, far off in the distance, the boys could hear the faint sounds of heavy metal.

Lee, formerly all for the adventure and the plots of revenge, was now back to shuffling closer to Neji as they followed the sounds of the violent music into unknown territory. Both were now wishing, not for the first time, that they had put a little more thought into getting involved this whole situation. They rounded the corner that led to the freshmen hallway, and stopped. A sudden surge of the air conditioner swirled ratted and torn bits of old notes around the boys' feet. Leaking from an open door to their left, the music grew even louder, and presumably behind that same door were the people they were here to meet.

Just as they stood outside the door, ready to knock, it was thrown open from the inside. Neji and Lee paled out of fear- for there, in all of his delinquent glory, donning his combat boots, baggy black cargo pants, and characteristic orange shirt; twin snakebite lip piercings glimmering in the soft light, was Uzumaki Naruto: the biggest punk in the ninth grade.

"Y-y- you?" Neji stuttered, staring at the bemused expression on the blonde boy's face.

"Me," Naruto said, grinning like a fox.

Hidan squinted suspiciously and peered down his nose at the younger male. "Yeah, I think I've heard of you. You're the little shit that got suspended for a week for painting that big mural on the gym wall, right?"

"Yup, " replied Naruto. "School sued me too for damaging property. I almost had to go to court for it, but they dropped charges. It was so worth it, though. That mural was seriously amazing- my best work ever. It took me a full eight hours to paint it, I worked all night." Naruto's blue eyes narrowed as he belatedly noticed Hidan and Deidara's appearance. "Now that you mention it, what happened to you guys? I mean, I've heard of you and that you're tough, but this is a little crazy…" He broke off, gesturing to the blood covering both boys.

Deidara sighed. "It's a long story, un. Let's just say it's probably not what you'd expect."

"Fucking_ Princess_ wasn't what I expected either, " Hidan muttered.

Naruto giggled slightly. "Okaaay, I don't need to know."

Hidan got down to business. "Okay, kids, enough small talk. What do you need our help with?"

Naruto fiddled with one of his piercings. "How can I say this? It's not actually me that needs your help."

"Are you fucking me?" HIdan said, his face tinting towards magenta.

"No, don't worry, we didn't bring you here for nothing. It's my friend that needs help with the 'project.' SUIGETSU!" Naruto stuck his head in the room and bellowed.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm here, I'm here." The door opened again, and Naruto stepped back to make way for a pale boy with silvery purple hair. Neji and Lee recognized him immediately. Naruto threw his arm around the other boy.

"This is my buddy-" Naruto began.

"Hozuki Suigetsu, "Neji and Lee chorused. "Aren't you the one who's only going to this school because you got kicked out of a prep school for t-t-trying to k-kill someone?" Neji gagged, scooting behind HIdan.

Suigetsu grinned sheepishly, revealing a set of razor sharp pointed teeth. "Well, I wouldn't say, 'kill' exactly. The punk was bugging me in the locker room, so I kind of whacked him upside the head with a lacrosse stick. There was no murderous intent….okay, that's a lie. There wasn't _much_ murderous intent." He grinned around the straw in his mouth, sipping on some water.

"Hooooly shit," Neji breathed, clinging to HIdan's sleeve, "Hidan, keep in mind that I'm asking you this with as much manly dignity as I can muster…but….will you take me home? Please?"

Distractedly, he brushed Neji's hand off. "Hell no! These guys are pretty cool! Don't worry about it, there's not gonna be any problems here."

"You're missing the point! " Neji hissed, "If YOU think they're cool then we already _have_ a problem."

Hidan ignored him. "So, kiddo, what can we do for you?"

"Well, " Suigetsu began, "There's this bitch, right? Karin? So she stacked my locker yesterday, and I gotta get her back for it."

Hidan and Deidara looked like someone had canceled Christmas.

"Is that _IT_?!" Hidan spat,voice dangerously low, "Cause you better hope on your life it isn't. If you dragged us out here at this time of night for something as idiotic as THAT, then you can forget about us helping you with anything. You better just tell us what we need to know in hopes that we don't fucking _beat _it outta ya."

"Well, what you're failing to understand is that she's already done a bunch of other shit to me, " said Suigetsu, completely unperturbed by Hidan's obvious rage. "She hates me, I don't know why. So me and Naru devised a little plot that will_ REALLY_ get her back, if ya know what I mean…" He pursed his pallid lips around the straw in a wicked grin.

"Ohh, so then this goes beyond stacking her locker back, un?" Deidara grinned. Hidan caught the drift and smiled wolfishly.

"Tell us what you have, and we'll show you what we brought, " Hidan said gleefully, wrenching the suitcase rather violently out of Neji's hand.

The four boys began to rifle through it, looking for things to use to exact

the prefect revenge; unwittingly giving Neji the perfect opportunity to drag Lee aside, which he did.

Crouched suspiciously behind the water fountain, Neji rounded on his best friend. "Rock Lee. Do you realize the seriousness of the current situation?"

Lee's wide eyes and grave face was all the answer Neji needed. "We need to get out of here. Period. Don't ask me how, but I guess now we're somehow rollin with the bad crowd."

Lee raised his eyebrows. Rollin with the bad crowd? Exactly how much coffee had Neji_ had? _ "So what, are we just gonna make a run for it?"

"The second their backs are turned, hell YES. If we get caught here and it goes on our permanent records we loose every shot we ever had at life."

Lee now looked skeptical. "Neji. Don't you think you're overreacting?"

"I AM _NOT_ OVERREACTING! We snuck into school at night, there's breaking and entering already down. I'm sensing that in a second there's gonna be some damage done to federal property, oh look, there's _another_ felony to add to the happy list. Plus who we're with, coughCRIMINALSCUMcough, doesn't help our case at all. So basically, this entire situation, if and quite possibly_ when_ we get caught, is enough to ruin our chances of ever getting into college EVER- Even c_ommunity_ college." Neji's bloodshot eyes boring into his own, Lee responded,

"So, failing to get into college…ruins your life?"

"Lee, can you say, 'Hi there, welcome to Wal-Mart, my name is Lee, and I'll be helping you find the Home Décor aisle for the next FORTY YEARS because I never got a good education and get paid minimum wage!' "

And Lee attempted to inconspicuously scoot away.

**Meanwhile, over by the suitcase**

"A tuba? Are you some kinda weird fetishist? Why do you _have_ this?"

Suigetsu set down his water and stared at the tuba, a look of sheer confusion mingled with disgust on his face.

Deidara sighed. "It's a long story. It actually involves the two of them, un." He gestured behind the water fountain where Neji and Lee were having what appeared to be an intense conversation.

Naruto grinned, drowning out Suigetsu's increasingly illegal ideas of ways they could use the tuba by asking, "What's with them, anyways? They're not exactly, ya know.." He rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment, "…on the level."

Hidan assumed a very pensive expression, thoughtfully staring at the bag of water balloons in his hand. "You know, I thought that very same thing myself. But then I witnessed this stunt they pulled at Burger King. And I gotta say, I'll never look at Neji the same way again."

Naruto's nose wrinkled in adorable bemusement, as he wisely chose not to ask. "So Sui, we gotta plan yet?"

"Hells to da yeah! I just realized that this tuba will add insult to injury cause Karin's precious _Sasuke-kun_ plays the tuba in the school band! So we take all her stuff outta her locker, disperse it around the school, put the tuba in there, fill it with water balloons filled with "The Goop", and add a little whipped cream on top as a decorative touch. If we rig it right, it'll all end up right on top of her."

The other three were duly impressed. "The Goop?" Naruto asked, blue eyes wide, "Oh gawd, is she gonna be_ pissed_….I can't wait!"

"Alright freshmen," Hidan said, "I'll bite…just what is the 'Goop'?"

Suigetsu and Naruto shot each other questioning looks. "Ya know, we're not really so sure anymore…but whatever it is, it is VILE."

"Sweet," Hidan said, looking at the younger pranksters almost fondly. "So here's how it's gonna roll: Me and Suigetsu will rig something up with the tuba, while Naruto tells Deidara everything he knows about the bastards who got poor Bessie."

"But what about 'The Goop', un?" Deidara asked.

A loud slurp prefaced Suigetsu's answer of, "Eh, I don't see what's wrong with letting the preps get their hands dirty, do you?"

**Five minutes later- Janitor Levi's utility closet**

"You know what? I think I've finally figured out what this stuff is, " Neji announced, pulling a face and gagging dramatically as he hefted a swollen balloon filled with 'The Goop'. "Something died and you squeezed its juices into a cup with rotten vegetables, sweat socks, and some sour milk. Am I close?"

The two blondes giggled. " 'The Goop's' original recipe consisted of only three ingredients, and we kind of played it by ear from there, " Naruto said, smiling at Deidara.

Lee, attempting to be covert about it, sniffed one of the balloons. "I could SWEAR I smell cilantro."

Neji grimaced and knocked the balloon out of his hand where it landed in the bucket with a faint sploosh. "Oh, don't INHALE it! You'll get diseases."

"I didn't inhale it, I sniffed it, there's a difference."

"Uh huh, so kind of like the difference between dying of cancer and dying of AIDS. Either way you die."

Lee stuck his tongue and picked up a particularly fat balloon. "Oh shut up, or I might have to leave you a little surprise…" He jiggled the balloon threateningly.

Neji's face went powder white.

"Oh you wouldn't _dare_……"

Naruto rolled his eyes and turned towards the elder blonde.

"So, about your car."

Deidara's eyes glimmered with hope as, leaning forward, he asked, "You know what happened to her?"

"Well, I was walking home from detention late Friday afternoon, when I saw a bunch of thugs with spray paint, paintballs, and eggs creepin around outside the school. They looked like they were waiting for someone. So I ducked behind a dumpster to kinda check things out. A couple seconds later, out comes this junior, Kankuro . He says, 'Alright, guys, I got the dude's address, wait a couple hours and then we'll hit.' I realized afterwards that those guys were the thugs that always follow Subaku no Garra around all the time. And then the next day I heard about your car. Does that mean anything to you, Deidara?"

Deidara's hair obscured his eyes as he stared off into space, remembering something that happened a long time ago. "That little _SHIT_, UN! That was three years ago, I can't BELIEVE Garra still doesn't forgive me for the-" But at that moment, the ominous sound of the front door creaking open silenced all four boys- the heavy footfalls of work boots and jovial whistling following soon after.

"Oh _shit!"_ Nartuo hissed, "It's old man Levi! I forgot, he sometimes comes in as early as four in the morning. Quick, Neji, Lee, grab that bucket and let's get outta here!"

Hefting to lift the heavy bucket of Goop-filled balloons, Neji and Lee ran after the two blondes as quickly and as quietly as possible. The four had just made to the end of the freshmen hall way, when, without warning, Naruto came to an abrupt stop causing Neji and Lee to almost spill the balloons all over Deidara.

Surveying the scene below him with a sigh and a classic face palm, Naruto hissed over Deidara's insane giggling,

"I just asked you two to glue a string to a tuba. I didn't even think it was p_ossible_ to fuck something so _simple_ up in such a _disturbing_ way."

**Five minutes earlier- In front of Karin's locker**

"Yep! It'll definitely fit in here once we throw away all her shit," Hidan brightly announced as he lifted the tuba out of Karin's locker.

"Awesome!" agreed Suigetsu, "See those two little screws right back there? All we gotta do is rig this baby up with some string and tilt it at an angle, so that when she opens it the tuba tilts and spills the balloons all over her and her skanky self!"

"Brilliant, kid, you're about as evil as they come, " Hidan said fondly, mussing Suigetsu's silvery hair. "Just one thing…How do we get the string attached to the tuba?"

The other smirked, producing a can of hardcore adhesive- probably filched from the janitor's closet. "And you think I haven't thought of that? Oh, how you underestimate me."

Hidan eyed the can, just a tad apprehensive. "Dude, that's some heavy-duty shit...just don't' go crazy, okay?"

Suigetsu snorted unpleasantly, rolling his lavender eyes and spreading the adhesive carefully with the applicator. "What, do you think this stuff could actually glue me to a……ummph,…tuba?"

Suigetsu blushed slightly and gave his hand a few more fruitless tugs

"Your hand's stuck to the tuba. Isn't it." Hidan deadpanned.

"Yeah, yeah, ya wanna make fun of me for it, or help me!?"

"Silly freshmen, why the hell would I help you when it's so much more fun to just sit here and laugh my ass off."

Suigetsu innocently blinked up at Hidan. "Maybe because I could pull a bitch-ass move like this!"

He splashed some of the adhesive to Hidan's leg and swung the tuba around so it stuck.

"Get owned." Suigetsu said, looking pleased with himself.

"You little bastard." Hidan growled, tugging at the tuba to no avail. "Just give me the fucking adhesive, brat." He lunged out and tried to grab the can from Suigetsu's hand, but he fumbled it, and it fell to the ground after spilling all over their hands. Both boys grimaced at the sight of their fingertips glued together.

"Well, brat, I hope you are enjoying this moment of classic humor," Hidan said jovially, patting Suigetsu's silvery head with his one free hand, "Because when we get out of this I am gonna hit you so fucking hard, your little _grandchildren_ will be able to feel it. Now, I'm gonna try to scoot this stuff outta the way to avoid any more 'accidents' ". Hidan stuck his tongue out in concentration as he extended his leg to gently toe the can of adhesive out of the way. Unfortunately, he tipped it over, causing it to spill all over his foot. To make matters even worse, he had counter balanced so much trying to reach it, that he fell over, bringing Suigetsu down with him, and resulting in both boys rolling around on the floor.

Twenty seconds later, they had managed to stand up: Hidan's left foot glued to Suigetsu's right leg, His free right hand glued to the tuba, and, worst of all, Suigetsu's forehead glued to Hidan's left shoulder. There was a moment of silence as each boy attempted to discern which body parts belonged to him. Then, rather unexpectedly, Suigetsu started chuckling.

Hidan's magenta face bore no signs of amusement. "Brat, I am gonna MURDER YOU!"

"With what?" Suigetsu said, undoubtedly smirking, "You kinda got your hands full at the moment."

HIdan just growled.

"In fact, I'd say we've gotten ourselves into a very _sticky situation,_ ne, Hidan?" Suigetsu said, laughing like a banshee.

"THAT TEARS IT!" Hidan dove to the floor, careful to steer clear of the puddle of adhesive and began rolling around grunting trying to get to Suigetsu. It was at that moment that Janitor Levi entered the building, but that went unnoticed by the two boys. It wasn't until Naruto arrived on the scene some forty seconds later, that they finally stopped trying to kill each other, and looked up from their position on the floor.

Naruto sighed, his breath briefly fogging up the metal of his lip rings. "C'mon guys, we don't have much time. Neji, Lee, just shove that bucket in there, it'll have to do. Let's get moving!"

Neji and Lee frantically scampered over to Karin's locker, where they shoved the bucket in at an angle. And, after hauling Hidan and Suigetsu to their three feet, all six boys took off down the hall in the direction of the back exit to the school. All was going smoothly, until Hidan suddenly stopped hopping and came to an abrupt halt with a cry of "STAAAIIIRS!" Unfortunately for him, Suigetsu had continued blithely on. The boys and the tuba tumbled over that first step, leaving, Neji with his head in his hands, Lee with a wide-eyed look of panic, and Deidara and Naruto with their heads tilted, watching in morbid fascination as with a series of yelps, curses, and finally a sickening _CRUNCH,_ they fell down two flights of stairs.

"That's gonna hurt in the morning, un," Deidara muttered, surveying the damage and smiling grimly.

Naruto just closed his eyes and shook his head. "Some chiropractor just hit the _mother load_."

"_Idiots_, " Neji choked dramatically, "I'm surrounded by IDIOTS."

And running down the stairs to collect their fallen comrades, the six boys hefted Hidan, Suigetsu, and the tuba up and sprinted to the parking lot, piling into old Bessie and driving away, leaving their revenge half finished, and Janitor Levi to wonder if he needed to cut his caffeine intake and stop watching late-night reruns of _The Twilight Zone._

**TBC**

**What did Deidara do to make Garra seek revenge? Will Suigetsu and Hidan come unglued in more ways than one? Why does Sasuke play the tuba in the first place? And will Karin end up covered in 'The Goop'? **

**All of these questions and more will be answered in the next chapter of When Carpools Get Ugly! Appearing Next Saturday, 6/20/08!**

**Stay Tuned!**

**BISCUIT**


	5. Chapter IV: The Execution

**Sorry for the 24 hour delay, people (for those of you who read the latest chapter of "Nonsense" and knew when to expect this update, that is) But I digress, Anywho, HERE IT IS!**

**When Carpools Get Ugly**

**Chapter IV.**

**Operation Infiltration Part III- The Execution**

**8:42, The Morning Following the Break-in- Izumo-sensei's Honor's World HIstory Class**

"You'll notice these exceptionally nice buckles on my shoes. This is an excellent example of a staple of early colonial garb," Neji said in an utterly toneless voice. To him, this was the epitome of nonsense. He was standing in front of his peers dressed full colonial costume, with the equally trussed-up Lee beside him, who was pointing seductively at the Hyuuga's foot. Neji supposed his somewhat dim-witted best friend had taken the teacher too literally when he had told him he should act like Vana White. Neji supposed that any project promising five percent extra credit came with a price: in this case, his sanity, dignity, and self-respect.

Staring back at the apathetic faces of his half-asleep classmates, Neji sighed and continued his speech, "Seeing as we've discussed the fashion of the time, Lee will now demonstrate the art of spinning wool."

Lee smiled, seemingly enthused at the prospect of cloth-making. Neji backed up against the white board, near the wheel, and sat down on a stool.

"After the wool is shorn from the sheep, you'll notice it's in a very rough state. This necessitates the spinning of the wool. "

Neji continued to prattle on; completely oblivious of how close the frayed tips of his long hair were to the wool.

"Once the yarn is made, it is then woven into cloth, which can be done in many vari-_MARY MOTHER OF GOD! LEE, QUIT SPINNING!" _

The entire class went from a lethargic silence to an uproar of laughter at the sight of Neji bent over almost backwards with his arms flailing wildly. It was obvious what had happened. Lee, however, blithely continued on, despite the fact that Neji's hair was caught in the wheel. It wasn't until the Hyuuga's head actually collided with the wood with an echoing thunk, that his best friend finally stopped.

Back in the corner of the room, Izumo, the truly _blessed_ soul in charge of the class, sighed heavily. It had been a very bad mistake to pair the dream team together. They were almost as bad as that blonde transvestite and the psycho kid he'd had a few years back...

"Hyuuga, Lee. I think that's quite enough."

The two, who were twittering about, Lee apologizing profusely, and Neji attempting to untangle his hair, stopped and looked up.

"But Sensei, don't you want us to continue the presentation?" Lee asked, eyes even wider than usual.

"Seeing as what you're demonstrating next involves fire and melted wax, I believe it's really better to quit before government property- or a student- is damaged. I don't think going that extra mile for historical accuracy is worth a lawsuit."

Lee looked repentant, while Neji just hung his head in shame.

"I'd go see Tsunade. That nurse really has a talent for untying frightening knots."

"Right," the two muttered, only earning even louder laughter from the crowd as they attempted to make a dignified exit with Neji bent double- head attached to a wheel, and Lee dragging a long tangle of yarn behind him.

Growling to himself, the Hyuuga reflected on how that fifteen percent extra credit was SO not worth it- especially with the events of the night before and all they had gone through to even get the costumes in the first place...

**Two Hours Earlier- Lee's Bedroom**

Lee was having a nice dream, Deidara was sure of it. The boy's normally intense expression had melted into one of blissful vulnerability. He was lying all curled up next to Neji, who was still twitching slightly, on the pull-out sofa where they had crashed just seconds after Deidara and Naruto had ushered them into the room. But that had been around two hours ago now.

"Oy vey, what a night..." the blonde breathed, setting down his cup of coffee on the table beside Lee's worn-down office chair that he had commandeered. If one was forced to run several errands between the hours of midnight and five in the morning, a stop at Burger King for some coffee and breakfast burritos was absolutely essential in Deidara's book.

The seventeen year old groaned and clutched his stiff back, hobbling over to the bed like a man three times his age. His grey, exhausted face broke into a ghost of his normal bright smile as he regarded the two peaceful faces. He clasped his hands and sighed.

"Aww, Heaven's sweet angles, un. How precious. It does my heart good to see the two little freshmen finally relax...so I can ruin it..."

Grabbing the two coat hangers in one hand and an air horn in the other, the blonde sucked in a huge breath, pressed the air horn and screamed,

"WAKEY WAKEY LITTLE FROSHIES!"

Lee shot up like someone had doused him with ice water, whereas Neji groaned, flopped onto his stomach and buried his face in the pillow. "Why God? Is this some kind of test, karma, what? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!? WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?!"

But his half-hysterical rant was cut short when he was smacked across the face with a pair of breeches. Hard.

"Calm yourself down, bitch! I come bearing colonial garb, un!"

Neji uncomprehendingly gaped at the offending breeches grasped in Deidara's hand- somehow managing to completely forget about the project that had consumed his soul mere hours before.

For once, Lee was the first to grasp it.

"Deidara-san! He said with a gasp, clearly overjoyed, "Our costumes! You held up your end of the bargain! Oh thank you so much!" he flung himself into the older boy's arms, hugging fiercely. Neji, meanwhile, had finally managed to force his groggy sleep-deprived, jacked up brain to work. "Oh...right...the costumes for our project..."

"Dei, " Lee began, tone thoughtful, pulling away from Deidara, "What happened to the others?"

Deidara grinned and scratched the back of his disheveled blonde hair.

"Ahem, well, I took Naruto-kun home right after I dropped the two of you off, un. That was about two hours ago now."

Neji's dark brows knitted together in confusion.

"What about Hidan and Suigetsu?"

Deidara bit his lip. "Well...eh heh heh heh..."

**Meanwhile at the Emergency Room:**

"I'm sorry, but _what_ exactly did you say happened to them again?" Shizune stared intently at her intern nurse, not quite daring to believe her story- even at six in the morning after an all night shift.

"They were using a heavy duty adhesive and somehow managed to glue themselves to a tuba." Yamanaka Ino blinked back tears at the thought of her report sounding that implausible after all of the hell her patients had put her through to get it...

"Well, Ino, what do you recommend we do about it?"

The girl looked up- startled. Shizune hardly ever asked her opinion. "Well, they clearly need some kind of sedative, THAT much is certain. I don't think there's anything we can do except just use force."

"Right, get HIM on call, would you? I'm going in..."

"R-right!" Ino said, saluting slightly and taking of at a quick clip down the hall.

**Five minutes earlier- Room 304 A**

"I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate you so fucking much I think I might explode from my hatred of you."

Suigetsu yawned, his breath ghosting over Hidan's bare arm.

After a full hour and twenty minutes of waiting, the two had finally been called back. Filling out the forms had been...problematic to say the least, seeing as neither of them had a free hand. But after some creative improvising with Suigetsu's teeth, they had managed. They had then been wheeled in on a gurney and unceremoniously deposited in a cheery little room, lying awkwardly with the tuba wedged between them and their limbs glued as firmly as ever.

"Good," Hidan muttered, face twisting into a sick smile, "You're still awake, now I can say it to your face. I. Hate. You."

The other rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Yeah, I think I got it, you've only been repeating it for like the past two hours. Now if you don't mind, I'm _trying_ to get some sleep here." Suigetsu said to Hidan's chest, seeing as his forehead was still glued to Hidan's shoulder.

"When we get out of here, I'm gonna be at your bedside every night- tormenting you so you'll never sleep again."

"Wow," Suigetsu muttered, clearly unconcerned, "I'm trying to ignore how fucking stalkerish that sounded, God, you're gonna get arrested someday for creepin around the wrong place."

"I'm gonna get arrested? Well at least I didn't try to fucking kill someone brat."

"Oh bite me," Suigetsu groaned, at the end of his rope.

"Gladly!" Hidan said cordially, chomping down hard on Suigetsu's ear.

**Meanwhile In the Hall**

When Shizune got to the room, she had to admit that the questionable yelping sounds coming from within weren't very comforting. Taking a breath to steady her nerves, she cautiously twisted the doorknob. She groaned, taking in the sight on the bed. "Oh, so it's gonna be one of _those_ days."

Suigetsu was thrashing around attempting to break Hidan's iron grip on his ear. The cultist, meanwhile, was gnawing on the younger boy's ear with all he had. Clearly, the situation was quite painful, and Suigetsu wasn't sparing the vocals in his quest to make this known.

"OW OW OW! LEGGO, OW SHIT! LEGGO, YOU BASTARD!"

Pinching the bridge of her nose, Shizune cautiously approached the pair. Somehow, Suigetsu noticed her presence.

"Oh, FINALLY. a doctor. Could you-OW-please get this-EECH-little rodent-YEEEOUCH- to detach itself from my head?!"

Hidan stopped his assault on Suigetsu just long enough to defend himself. "Who the hell are you calling a rodent, rodent? Actually with those fucking teeth of yours, you're more like a piranha, which, everyone knows, are the rodents of the sea," he finished matter-of-factly.

"Rodents of the sea? Have you been stealing pills while I wasn't paying attention? Piranhas aren't the kinda fishes you wanna be fucking with, and neither am I. If I had a better angle, I'd be making you eat your words with a side of chili fries and a medium Mountain Dew." He gnashed his teeth threateningly.

"You and your damn teeth, God, I feel sorry for your poor dentist."

The other smirked, "Well I'd rather be a dentist's nightmare than a gay man's dream, eh, _'Papa Hida_?' "

Hidan stiffened. "Oh you did _not,_" he hissed, dangerously still.

"Oh I think I just _did._"

Meanwhile, Shizune checked off the boxes marked _aggressive behavior_, _poor attitude_, and _bodily/ psychological harm due to misuse of foreign objects_ on her report.

Hidan growled- a low feral sound in his throat. "You can insult me all you want, but make _one stab_ at Dei's sexuality, and so help me I'll fucking rip you apart!"

The other gave a watery snort. "Well well, I sense we're traveling down a well-worn path here. Apparently, I'm not the first to-"

But the rest was drowned out by Hidan's wild cry of "DIE HEATHEN FISH!" Before he could launch a new, more spirited attack on Suigetsu's ear, however, Shizune caught his head.

"I think that's quite enough, boys," she proclaimed, and before they could protest she grabbed the phonebook off the nearby table and, yanking Hidan's head away from Suigetsu's by his hair, wedged the book between the underside of Hidan's chin and the top of Suigetsu's head- completely eliminating the threat of attacks.

"INO!" She yelled, ignoring Hidan's wild-eyed glare, "GET IN HERE!"

Mere seconds later, a red-faced, winded Ino appeared at the door. "Yes, Shizune-senpai?"

The doctor wisely dropped her voice. "Call an anesthesiologist, I'm afraid we might need to surgically remove these two from the tuba."

Ino's fair brows knitted together, and in her panic, she didn't bother to lower her voice. "Surgery!? But Senpai, isn't that a bit drastic? I mean, _HE_ is on is his way, after all, and with all due respect, I think he can handle it."

"You better hope to whatever pagan god you call upon that you did NOT just say the word surgery, bitch. Otherwise you just might wake up missing parts of your anatomy," Hidan said threateningly.

"Yeah," Suigetsu agreed, his feud with Hidan temporarily forgotten, "and just who is this _'HE' _you guys keep talking about?"

Shizune's answer was on her lips when all of a sudden the door burst open and a triumphant voice proclaimed, "Did someone call for some sedatives?!"

"EEEEHHHHH! _HE'S_ HERE!" Shizune and Ino squealed concordantly, swooning- their faces twin shades of pink.

For there, in all of his scrubbed, sleeveless glory, was Yakushi Kabuto himself: the most, ahem, _popular_, male nurse in the hospital. Dramatically flicking his long, silver hair out of his face, and raising a gloved hand to adjust his glasses which were set agleam by the light, Kabuto strutted passed the giggling females to survey his patients. He stopped, noticing the glazed, wide-eyed, open-mouthed expression on Hidan's face.

"Hmm," he said grandly, his deep voice booming, holding up a knowing finger, "I think it's safe to go ahead and diagnose this one with a mild case of shock." He flicked his finger at Ino and winked, watching with no small satisfaction as she melted into Shizune.

Snapping the latex professionally, Kabuto muttered, "Well, time to get to work!"

But then Hidan exploded. "PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA YAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Kabuto's cocky smile shrunk by a few molars. "Young man, " he began.

"OH OH! WHATISIT? I wanna see!" Suigetsu whined, straining against the phonebook.

"DUDE!" Hidan choked between hysterical fits of laughter, "I don't care how much of a bastard you are, you _gotta_ see this." He rolled over, and finally Suigetsu's expectant pale eyes fell on Kabuto.

"OH MAI GAWD!"

And then both of them were absolutely screaming with hysterics.

"Young men," Kabuto said firmly, clearly irritated, "This is not a laughing matter."

"No, little kids getting blown up by land mines in Africa is not a laughing matter...dude you're a male nurse, that's fucking _HILARIOUSSS!_" Suigetsu gagged, tears streaming down his face.

"Seriously, though," Hidan added, somehow managing to keep a straight face.

"Yes?" Kabuto said, perking up at the thought of being in control again.

"Are your scrubbs magenta or fuchsia, I couldn't tell?"

The male nurse clenched his teeth, "They're tickle-me-pink..." He hissed.

"I didn't even know they MADE sleeveless scrubbs...or has someone been playing with the scalpels?"

The two continued their mad laughing fit, oblivious to the fact that Kabuto had turned around and was rummaging ominously in his equipment.

"ALRIGHT!" He said, whipping around, a loaded shot in hand, "Next person who insults me gets some."

"Is that your normal pick up line, or are we just special?" Hidan ventured, heedless of the warning.

"YOU ASKED FOR IT!" And with a wild cry, Kabuto jammed the needle into Hidan's butt. The seventeen year old cultist slumped over, immediately loosing consciousness.

Silence. Then.

"Daaaaaaaaaaamn." Suigetsu whistled, "Dude, you could have seriously took down a horse with that! That's some heavy-duty shit right there, I'll behave, just don't be jabbing that needle anywhere near my ass."

Kabuto smirked. "A wise choice. Now, I think neither of us wants to spend more time together than absolutely necessary, so here's how it's gonna be. I'll just try and yank this tuba off by force to avoid the time and expense of surgery, load you up on all the pain meds you want, and set you free. Deal?"

Suigetsu pondered a moment before replying, "Deal."

"Brace yourself, " Kabuto said, getting a good grip on the tuba.

And some eleven seconds later the entire population of the hospital stopped what they were doing as a raw scream of,

"HOLY MOTHERFUCKING BRAN MUFFINS!"

rent through the air.

Half an hour later, Suigetsu was led out, carrying the tuba, followed by Hidan being pushed on the gurney, both laden down with pain meds, and bearing unusual rashes.

The only good thing that came out of the entire situation, Suigetsu later recalled, was that the receptionist, pitying him, had given him two lollipops.

**8:51am- The Hallway Outside The Nurse's Office**

"Ya know, if we had just made a powerpoint like every other _sane_ person under the sun, this wouldn't have happened. Hm, fancy that. There_ is _safety in platitude."

"I'm sorry, Neji."

"I mean, honestly, why a spinning wheel? We could have churned butter. I can't think of _one time_ butter's ever damaged anyone's self-esteem or caused actual physical damage! Well maybe that one time with Chouji in sixth grade, but I digress..."

"I'm sorry, Neji."

"You do realize that if I have to cut my hair we can never be friends again, right? This is worse that that one time with the bubblegum and the peanut butter, even."

"Yes, Neji. I'm sorry."

"Good. You're forgiven for the time being, but this one's going in the book."

"Yes, Neji."

Anyone who chose that moment to walk by the bench outside Nurse Tsunade's office would have been able to spot it immediately: the classic scenario of the two best friends who'd just screwed up and were fighting about whose fault it was. Only these two were so deeply embedded in their little rut that Lee didn't even bother to fight back anymore. It was usually his fault anyways, so it didn't really matter. Sitting down on the bench had been awkward to begin with, but they eventually ended up with Neji in a rather horizontal position with the wheel leaning against the arm of the bench, where Lee was perched. Aside from the strange looks and occasional mutterings, the two weren't really bothered much. Apparently, there had just been a rather horrific fiasco involving a bet, a bottle of tabasco sauce, pepto bismal, and a digital camera, so the Tsunade probably wouldn't be seeing them for a while.

"Lee, are you touching my hair?"

"NO!" Lee quickly withdrew his hand from where it had been hovering above a particularly nasty knot.

"What did I tell you about trying to fix your mista; OH NO!"

Lee followed his best friend's wide-eyed gaze only to see the last people they wanted to run into at the moment, and one of the last people they expected to see period- the three smirks of triumph on their faces bearing promises of even more trouble to come.

**Ten Minutes Earlier- Lurking Around the Sophomore Hallway**

"My good Suigetsu, " Naruto said, a stately look on his face," The moment of truth has finally arrived."

The two partners in crime, grinning satanically, stuck a pair of binoculars out of the recycling bin they were hiding in- each peering through one eye.

"Here she comes!" Suigetsu gasped, rubbing more cream on the rash on his forehead. Both boys tensed up- staring intently at the group of approaching teenagers. There was Sasuke, of course, his black eyes unfocused behind his horn-rimmed glasses, clearly not listening to whatever shit Karin was blabbing about. Said girl was dressed as her slutty self; donning her scandalously short shorts and thigh-high boots. Sulking behind them wearing his usual baggy clothes and looking absolutely miserable as always was Kaguya Kimimaro, the kid that, ever since elementary school, seemed to always be sick.

Karin and co. had reached her locker. Kimimaro was bent double in one of his coughing fits, a look of pain on his pallid face. Karin now had her hand on the locker handle- still yupping around Sasuke, neither of the paying any attention to Kimimaro.

Naruto and Suigetsu tensed up even more, their bright, excited eyes fixed solely on Karin's hand. The two were so engrossed in watching their revenge play out, that neither of the noticed as the lid to their bin opened. In fact, they looked up only when two soda cans were thrown in- one of them hitting Naruto on the head. Squinting at the sudden change in light, the two stared up into the startled face of Akimichi Chouji.

An awkward silence ensued, until finally, Suigetsu threw the can back at Chouji.

"Bitch! Dump your crap somewhere else, our existence is about to be justified here!"

And Chouji wisely picked up his can and scooted away.

But it was too late. Still fumbling around trying to gather up the binoculars and get re-situated, Naruto and Suigetsu only looked up when they heard the scream.

Suigetsu prematurely pumped his fist in the air when he saw "The Goop" covering a person and the floor, but stopped mid-yell when he realized that it wasn't Karin who was covered.

No..in fact Karin was clinging to Sasuke, a look of unnecessary horror on her face. The Uchiha merely had both eyebrows raised in shock. For there, under the surprised stare of the the entire hallway, stood Kaguya Kimimaro, hand still grasping the handle of the locker, covered from head to toe in the foul-smelling goop.

The silence was broken by Karin.

"OHH! Kimimaro-kun, oh you poor thing, let's go get you cleaned up," Karin cooed, pulling out a tissue, and gingerly grabbing at Kimimaro's wrist, attempting to tug him along.

But he didn't budge.

"No," he hissed. "I'm sick, I fell like absolute _shit_, and I'm allergic to latex balloons, goddamit!"

Karin adopted a look of sickly sweet motherly concern. "Now shush, Kimimaro-kun."

"I will NOT shush!" Kimimaro said, getting louder, "All this time you thought I was weak, so you just took me for granted and took advantage of me. And I let you. But not anymore..."

There was a look of righteous determination on the goop-covered face of Kaguy Kimimaro, as he knelt down and deftly scooped up two un-popped balloons.

"What are you doing?" Karin asked, panic finally creeping into her tone.

But Kimimaro never answered her as he pulled back the tight fabric of her tank top and shoved the balloons in- never breaking eye contact, a true testament to his self control. He then shoved her into Sasuke, causing the balloons to pop, and walked away- a satisfied glint in his steely green eyes and Karin's screams floating on the air.

And of course, seeing as he had carried out their revenge for them, Suigetsu and Naruto offered to escort him to the nurse's office, where they met up with Neji and Lee, and told them the entire unbelievable story- a story that soon spread to the far corners of the school.

After all, up until that day, the only thing most people thought all Kimimaro had in him was a crap load of mucus.

How wrong they all were...

**9:08am- Janitor Levi's Closet**

"Soo, the little brats finally got their kicks, eh?" Hidan's violet eyes glistened in the sickly yellowed glow of the flashlight placed between them.

"So it would seem," his companion agreed, "We've held up our end of the bargain on all sides."

"But what about us?," said the third, a female voice this time, "Is the plan set?"

Deidara nodded, smirking at her, "And our contacts have been notified, un."

The girl's deep blue eyes narrowed. "_All_ of the contacts?"

"Well," Hidan thoughtfully scratched at the deep red rash crawling up his alabaster skin, "We've put Neji and Lee through a lot these past few days. Figured it might be best to let the little shits take a breather until at _least_ tomorrow night."

The girl's fist clenched, dangerous eyes narrowing further. "We no longer have time to afford that kind of luxury. You should consider yourselves lucky I agreed to help you at all- you should be taking full advantage of my offer!"

"Hmm, if I recall right you were begging us to let you help with this, my dear little traitor, " Deidara's smirk deepened as she huffed and crossed her arms. "We have as much time as we need, un, trying to rush perfection only leads to failure, as you of all people should know..._Temari_" The girl winced at the sound of her name. "How many times have you failed at getting back at your little brother? You need our help with this almost as much as we need a contact on the inside, un. This is the perfect trade."

"But- " The girl's indignant rant was cut off.

"Listen we're all after the same fucking thing here people, hellooooo, REVENGE!" Hidan said sharply, standing up and banging the upturned mop-bucket that was serving as their table. "There's no damn point in fighting!"

Temari sighed. "Right...right." She leaned in beckoning the boys to follow suit. "So, here's what I've gathered so far.."

But at that very second the door was thrown open from the outside, the blinding glare of the hallway lights illuminating three teenagers crouched around a mop bucket- three identical expressions of guilt on their faces.

Kotetsu sighed and rubbed a hand across his tired face.

"For the LAST TIME, you CANNOT have your little secret meetings in here. How many times do I have to tell you, the Janitor's Closet is off-limits to students."

Hidan indignantly swooped down and gathered up the bits of scribbled-on paper that were strewn about on the bucket. Haughtily, he turned to Kotetsu.

"Sensei, the institution can take away our secret sanctum, our weekends, and our chances at a decent future, but they can NEVER quell the spirit that comes from within! WHO'S WITH ME!"

"AOOOOOOUUUUUUUHHHHH! REVENGE WILL BE SWEET!!" Hidan and Deidara pumped their fists in the air and ran down the hallway towards the lunch room, as Temari, grinning nervously, slunk off into a bathroom.

And Kotetsu slammed his head against the wall at the though of exactly how much more of this he had to endure...after all, 65 was still a LONG ways off.

**TBC**

**PROFILE UPDATED!**

**check it out for all the answers to ya questions!**

**Notes: WELL! for explanations on my THRID heinous hiatus, check the most recent chapter of "Nonsense" titled, "The Surprise". I was at summer camp this time...and what a fun time it was...**

**ahem, anyways, this chapter just about wraps up the "Operation Infiltration" arc. Next comes Hidan and Deidara's revenge...sure to be a good one...**

**NEXT TIME: What is Temari's motive for trying to get back at Gaara? Why did Kimimaro put up with that bitch for so long? Has Hidan come out of is Kabuto-induced stupor yet? And will Karin be plotting a revenge of her own? **

**All the answers to these questions and more in the release of Chapter V. - Next Monday JULY 22 (i think) **

**Thanks for Bearing with me!**

**BISCUIT**


	6. Chapter V Dinner Parties and Vengeance

**What:**** The MUCH-belated fifth chapter of "When Carpools Get Ugly." I know most of you hate me by now, don't deny it. (Dodges flaming arrows)**

**Why:**** Because CuriousBabyVamp kindly requested the scene in which Deidara and Hidan finally meet the real Hinata. I dedicate the chapter to you, dear. Thank you for your request and the motivation you gave me to finish this up. :)**

**Notes****: I would like to stress, once again for those of you who might be baffled by random and unnecessary references to homosexuality found in this chapter, that this fanfic is, once again, NON-YAOI. If you missed it, one last time, **_**NON-YAOI**__**.**_

**When Carpools Get Ugly**

**Chapter V.**

**Of Dinner Parties and Vengeance**

**3:07pm- Food City**

_"Arugula?"_

Hidan could have sworn that this fucking shopping list was written in a different language.

"What the _fuck_ is arugula?"

The large, orange-haired grocery store employee who was stacking crates of tomatoes nearby helpfully supplied an answer.

"It's a kind of lettuce that is often used in fancy salads."

"Wha?" Hidan whipped around only to find himself on eye-level with the enormous boy's nametag. 'Juugo.' He cautiously flicked his eyes back to the other's face. Juugo smiled kindly.

"Here," He produced a plant that Hidan honestly doubted was edible.

"Fucking rabbit food," the seventeen year old muttered under his breath, shoving the leaves into his basket.

Juugo good-naturedly turned away to continue his tomato stacking. "Hey hey hey, hold up, dude! My best friend is having some kinda priss-ass dinner party and I dunno what half this shit is Help me out?" He held out the post-it-note with a best pitiful pout. On Hidan, the expression looked more like a constipated grimace.

Juugo apparently pitied him, though, because five minutes later Hidan's basket was full.

"Dude, thanks a BUNCH, you're a real lifesaver." Cutting his violet eyes around both ways as if checking if the coast was clear, Hidan reached into the pocket of his jeans. "Here...a little token of my gratitude." He grabbed Juugo's hand and shoved something papery into it.

Juugo opened his enormous hand and scratched his orange hair in wonderment. Hidan had slipped him what appeared to be a used coupon for a free McDonald's sandwich.

"Um, sir, we're really not supposed to accept-"

But with a sly grin and a casual wave of his hand, the other cut him off. "Hey, you really helped me out, and what your manager don't know won't hurt em, riiiight?"

Hidan looked so pleased with himself and his piece-of-shit tip that Juugo honestly didn't have the heart to let him down. He forced a smile. "Thanks." Suddenly, something heavy clattered to the ground a little ways away, causing both boys to jump.

Ruckus seemed to have overtaken the dairy aisle.

People were flinging themselves out of the way, knocking over displays and sending groceries scattering, as a crazed blonde teenager barreled down the aisle using his shopping cart like a battering ram.

A wave of horror overtook Juugo as he and Hidan watched an old lady hobble out right into the path of destruction.

"Ma'am, watch out!" Juugo called in a desperate plea, but it was too late.

"MOVE IT OR LOSE IT, GRANDMA, UN!"

Amazingly enough, the woman dove out of the way, landing safely on some sacks of flour as the blonde continued on his warpath, not stopping until he had knocked Hidan down and finally was forced to halt as he ran into the road block known as Juugo.

Clutching his side, hair askew, Deidara grabbed his best friend's collar and yanked him off the ground, bloodshot blue eyes boring into Hidan's. own

"HIDAN! (insert desperate, shuddering gasp) We only have," he pulled his shaking hand to his face, staring cross-eyed at his watch, "Exactly four hours, eighteen minutes and thirty six seconds until they get here!"

_"Oy vey._" The cultist grasped the hyperventilating blonde by his shoulders and said slowly, "C'mon now, Dei, let's just breathe, in, out, in out." His efforts seemed to be working- at least a bit of the panic went out of the blonde's eyes.

He turned back to Juugo, shooting the large boy the kind of look that says, "Poor dear's out of his head," before gently escorting Deidara to the check-out line.

And Juugo just watched them go, contemplating how all the crazies in this grocery store always seemed to find their way to him.

**Meanwhile- Check-out Lane # 7**

_In, out, in, out, in, out, in- oh goodness_.

Desperately clutching the sides of the register, Hinata tried to concentrate on her breathing with little success. Honestly, she didn't want to count the number of breaths she took in a minute, all she wanted to do right now was sink into the floor or hide in her hollowed-out check-out counter.

_THEY_ were here.

The ones Neji-nii-san had warned her about. She had been watching them move about the store from the moment they walked in. The blonde one had pretty much destroyed the dairy aisle, which Sakon and Ukon would eventually have to clean up. The creepy satanic one had been helped by her friend Juugo. Her pale eyes followed their eccentrically- dressed figures as they chatted with her fellow employee, going wide with shock as the two best friends began moving towards her.

_Oh NO_.

It looked like they were ready to check out.

Whimpering slightly, Hinata's hands involuntarily twitched up to clasp and wring over her heart. By now all her attempts at calming herself were failing.

_It's gonna be alright, It'll all be alright just as long as they don't come to my register. PLEASE Don't come to my register. Oh-_

In her absolute panic, her train of though was halted as though it had collided head on with a brick wall. Effectively numbed by the adrenaline coursing through her veins, Hinata stayed frozen where she was, staring at the black conveyer belt watching in sadness as the first item, a bundle of arugula, drifted serenely into her line of sight.

_Move...Come ON you have to move..._

Deidara and Hidan, oblivious to the internal turmoil of the girl standing next to them, chatted on about their big plans for the evening. Apparently, all this food was going to be used to try to extort someone bad into helping them do something bad. Hinata bit her lip in anguish, knowing full well that her beloved cousin had somehow gotten mixed up with the bad kids at school, and was probably right in the middle of all this..._badness. _Oh, the _shame_.

She hadn't been paying much attention- ringing up groceries as if on autopilot- but suddenly Hinata realized that she had just bagged the last item. Jerking her head towards Hidan, she held out the receipt and muttered inaudibly,

"Your total is 67.38."

Her upperclassmen yanked the slip of paper out of her hand without even looking at her, still engrossed in his conversation with his best friend. It wasn't until he actually forked over the cash to pay for his food did her glance at her. Hinata could feel the blood pool to her face as his violet eyes narrowed, focused intently at her chest, lips moving silently as he read her name tag.

The awkwardness was suffocating. Finally, just when Hinata was ready to fall over and die, Hidan said something.

_"Holy...FUCK! _ The kid wasn't shitting us!_"_

She winced at the profanity.

"Oh my God, Deidara, look at this!" To the freshmen's eternal horror, he dragged the still-chattering blonde towards her by the hair. "Look!"

Hinata peeked up to find both an intense pair of violet eyes as well as a curious pair of blue ones staring at her. She meeped softly and and stared at the ground, knuckles white from her violent hand- wringing.

"So you were real..." Deidara murmured softly. Hidan was going on about how he knew all along that the freshmen weren't smart enough to "pull somethin' that spectacular outta their little asses." Hinata's dangerous swaying did not escape Deidara's notice.

"Hey, Hida, let up a little, I think you're traumatizing her." He smiled kindly at Hinata who now had a desperate look in her milky eyes. She stared up at him in shock.

"It's okay, sweetie. We didn't mean to scare you."

The last thing Hinata remembered was a gentle touch to her shoulder, then everything went black.

**7:03pm- Deidara's Kitchen**

"What...is..._this_?! The tufts of golden blonde hair that stuck out at random angles quivered as he shook with rage; one hand grasping a giant butcher knife and the other brandishing a lumpishly disfigured, pale, slimy something covered with dozens of tiny seeds.

Lee stared cross-eyed at the offending organic matter being waved an inch from his face, while Neji did the obvious thing: Cower shamelessly.

"I asked you to PEEL the cherry tomatoes, not _MUTILATE_ them!" Radiating waves of disdain, Deidara threw the ruined fruit to the floor and ground it under his heel. Dramatically pinching the bridge of his nose, he willed himself to calm down. "You're damn lucky I had a backup plan, un," he said scathingly to Lee, who wilted like so much un-refrigerated arugula. Deidara pulled out some fresh strawberries and violently threw the cheery fruit into his fancy salad. Neji and Lee followed the blonde's movements with cautious, guarded expressions. Grabbing the dashy, delicately- arranged tray of appetizers, Deidara tromped to the living room, turning around only to spit venomously,

"If you fuck up the raspberry vinaigrette, heads are_ so_ gonna fucking _roll_.."

Neji turned to place a comforting hand on his best friend's shoulder because, in all honesty, the kid really looked like he wanted to inhale a can of pesticide and curl up under the sink to die.

"Lee," Neji began, even after years of friendship still unused to giving emotional pep-talks," He doesn't mean it. Dei's under a LOT of stress right now. Apparently whoever we're throwing this dinner party for is pretty important."

"You're damn right they're important! They're the men who are gonna help us get back at that damn Sabaku kid for screwing up Bessie," Deidara huffed, appearing again. "Aw, fuck where the _hell _are Sui and Naru-kun with the dessert, un?" He took a few cleansing breaths, clearly stressed to the verge of tears again.

Neji sighed. Seeing it as his moral obligation, he attempted to raise the spirits of the frazzled seventeen year old. "Dei, it's gonna be alright, I mean the dinner's lovely, the house looks beautiful, and, well to be honest, we all cleaned up pretty well." Well, at least the last comment had been true. They actually looked pretty sharp in their prissy little outfits.

The Hyuuga mentally slapped himself across the face a few times for sounding like one of those bitchy, emotional middle-aged women who write letters to the editors of "Good Housekeeping". As vile as it was, his little speech had had the desired effect. Deidara sniffled and looked up with watery blue eyes.

"Really?"

Unfortunately, it was at that moment that the fate of the dinner party was ultimately sealed. If the epic fail of the cherry tomatoes had been a mere omen of the disaster to come, then what happened next put the icing on the cake. In more ways then one.

The door slammed open.

"HA!" Suigetsu cried triumphantly, pointing to the clock. "WE'RE _NOT_ LATE _AD_MIT, BLONDIE!!"

Deidara, as if he were searching for something to complain about, also looked at the clock. 7:10. They were right on the money. "Fine, un. You're not late. Just show me the dessert."

Nartuo grinned and pulled a plain white box from behind his back, opening it and holding it up with a glorious cry of, "TAA DAAAA!"

Neji tilted his head slightly to the left in bemusement. Lee audibly scratched his stomach, thick brows furrowed in confusion.

And as for Deidara, his mouth moved wordlessly, cobalt eyes bugging in rage, for a full forty five seconds before he could bring himself to read the icing proclamation on the cake.

_"...Mazeltov, Barry..._? _MAZELTOV, BARRY?!" _**(1)**

"Yeah!" Suigetsu agreed, looking pleased with himself. Naruto just giggled. "Some kid, Barry, had his bar mitzvah last saturday and never picked up the cake. So Marble Slab let us have it for two bucks!"

Deidara reeled back, clutching his chest as though he had been stabbed, face red, nostrils flaring. "I entrusted you with the responsibility of bringing a dessert to my all-important dinner party, and you BUY a _USED_ CAKE!?" He seemed to be on the edge of hysterics by now.

"Not_ just_ a cake," corrected Naruto, a look of unbearable smugness at his bargain hunting skillz on his face, "an _ice cream_ cake." He held the cake out again, letting the light shine on the nasty-looking blue icing and the lopsided gold Star of David set behind the white lettering.

"See, it even matches your color scheme!" Suigetsu held the cake up to the navy table cloth, ignoring the fact that they were completely different shades of blue. "And you think we're _we have no taste_." He rolled his purple eyes at the ridiculousness of it all.

The air around Deidara seemed to radiate waves of despair and loathing. Just when things were becoming tense, however, Hidan stepped through the door.

He halted, guarded violet eyes darting around as he took in the ominous atmosphere.

"Alright, boys, who fucked up this time?"

And Deidara threw himself at his best friend. _"HIDAAAAAAAAAAN!_ THEY SCREWED UP MY DINNER PARTY!" he sobbed into his befuddled compadre's chest.

"_Oh geeze._" Muttered Hidan, but then said more loudly, "What happened this time?"

"Sui (mutter mutter) Naruto mmm cherry tomatoes (mutter) nn' bargain cake (mutter mutter) n' I'm not even _Jewish_ (mutter) and were supposed to MAKE a dessert, UN."

"I see," lied Hidan, patting his disgruntled friend on the head. "Suigetsu, Naruto, what have I told you about upsetting Dei."

"Don't do it or I'll fucking kill you, you little son of a bitch," Naruto recited with a sigh."Now wait just one minute!" Suigetsu protested loudly, "Did you just say you expected me to waste my life _making_ a fancy dessert for some stuck up bastards that you're trying to impress?"

"Yes!" Deidara said hotly, sniffing and wiping his eyes.

Suigetsu exploded.

"Who do I look like to you? Betty Fucking _Crocker_? Lemme get one thing through to you, _Blondie,_" Suigetsu's chest swelled importantly, "I. Am. A _MAN_. Okay? A _manly _man. I even have a dick and all that jazz, so I don't flounce around in the kitchen for hours at a time like_ some_ people. So if you ask me to get you a cake, I'll go out and _buy_ one, but only if you're lucky. I may just go and do something _manly_ instead, like watch football. And _another_ thing," He strode deftly over to Deidara's masterpiece of a salad, plucking a single piece of arugula from the carefully- arranged nest of greenery, "This stuff?" He tore his sharp teeth through the leaf, "Yeah, it tastes like _shit_. And men...well...uh, we...don't eat shit. So.._.there_," he finished rather lamely.

Thirty seconds after Suigetsu's little outburst, and after the ensuing moment of awkward introspection, Naruto finally ground out,

"Dude...it's so obvious you're trying to make up for your sexuality that you might as well just come out of the closet and spare yourself the shame."

Suigetsu opened his mouth to retort, even drawing in a breath and raising a finger, but eventually just said, "I resent that...and deny _nothing_." He flashed his regular dangerous smile, eyes reduced to purple slits, and waltzed off.

The five remaining boys proceeded on as if nothing had happened, Deidara still sobbing softly on his best friend's shoulder.

"Now we'll _never_ impress them! They'll _never _help us and poor Bessie will _NEVER_ be avengeeeeed!" Deidara wailed in distress.

Inexplicably, Hidan grinned.

"_Heeeeey.._" he said roguishly, playfully elbowing Deidara, "Don't worry, Dei-chan, even if these brats actually did manage to fuck up your dinner we still have our ace in the hole, if ya know what I mean. Those bastards are sure as _fuck _gonna leave this house _impressed_."

Deidara stopped crying mid-sob and raised his tear-streaked face from Hidan's shoulder, an evil grin contorting his features.

Neji didn't want to ask...he really _didn't,_ but Hidan and Deidara had a way of making him do things he _really_ didn't want to do. _Aw, fuck it._

"Ace in the hole?"

The doorbell rang.

"Come in!" Called Hidan.

The door opened revealing Temari in a low-cut, backless floor-length teal dress with her normally wild blonde hair slicked into a perfect French twist. A slit in the skirt that ran from her middle thigh all the way down revealed one shapely fishnet-clad leg and a black stiletto heal. The only thing wrong with the picture was the deep scowl of hatred on her glossed lips.

Hidan wolf-whistled and howled and carried on, and Deidara's evil smirk grew larger as he blushed crimson. All four freshmen were drooling onto the carpet- eyes about to bug out of their heads.

"Ah," Neji squeaked, voice two octaves higher than usual as he uncomfortably pulled on his collar, "_That _ace in the hole"

Temari stalked over and grabbed him by the throat. "What the _hell_ did you just call me you little shit?!"

Neji averted his gaze from her stare of death.

"I don't remember, but it definitely_ wasn't_ sexist and crude."

"That's what I _thought_."

"And you call yourself a_ man,_" Suigetsu whispered, careful not to let the enraged beauty hear him.

Temari turned to Hidan.

"You're a sick, manipulative _BASTARD _and if I wasn't so desperate to get back at my little brother I swear I'd find a way to kill you." Her deep blue eyes were narrowed dangerously, and even Suigetsu had to admit he was fearing for his life a little. "If these guys can't really help us and your plan falls through and we don't get our revenge then there will be _HELL_ to pay, you fuckers."

Hidan grinned. "Sticks and stones, love."** (2) **Temari shuddered in disgust knowing it was useless to insult Hidan. The bastard found it _funny._ Instead she rounded on Deidara, grabbing a handful of his pale hair.

"And _YOU_. You have _TERRIBLE_ taste in dresses."

Deidara cringed, squealed, and ducked, while Hidan obstinately bitched back. The four freshmen were rather enjoying the show, especially watching Temari move around in that dress, but sadly their entertainment stopped short.

The doorbell rang again.

Every last drop of blood drained out of Deidara's face. Jerking away from Hidan, he screamed horsely, "BATTLE STATIONS, _NOW_!"

Everyone sprang into action- Lee poised by the closet ready to take coats; Neji standing by the table with an assortment of beverages at the ready; Deidara, waiting to open the door for the guests; Hidan, Naruto, and Suigetsu standing by the couch, scrambling to arrange the appetizers; and Temari, leaning seductively against the wall.

Finally, Deidara threw open the door. Lee choked on his own saliva and Neji weakly sank to a couch in surprise.

For there, wearing matching three-piece suits, were two of the school's most notorious seniors- the kind of people that all the underclassmen knew of by reputation, but never actually saw: Hoshigaki Kisame and Uchiha Itachi.

"Welcome!" Deidara sang, grabbing their hands and shaking them forcefully. He gestured violently at Lee who ran over to take the discarded coats, which were flung into his face. He ushered his guests into the sitting room, where Hidan shoved trays of delicious-looking munchies under their noses.

"Nice place you got here, Dei, I see- " began Kisame, only to stop dead mid-sentence when Itachi began to speak.

"I want punch," he announced, standing.

Kisame flew to his feet. "Here, let me get it for you, Itachi-" once again, he was cut off.

"No, no, I can get it myself." The Uchiha took a step forward, right into an end table, and bumped into an expensive-looking lamp that teetered dangerously.

"Oh, excuse me, madam, " He muttered, continuing on.

"Is he okay?" Suigetsu whispered to Kisame.

Glancing at his companion to make sure he wasn't listening, the blue senior leaned in and whispered, " He refuses to wear his glasses- always has. He thinks vision correction is-"

"It's all a_ conspiracy_." Itachi proclaimed from across the room. "First, they give you some glasses, only to change your prescription every few months, and by the time you reach middle age, you've already thrown thousands of dollars away, making them filthy rich. Well I will not-_ ouch_- " Itachi had run into the wall, but continued nevertheless, "Stand for this _foolishness._"

He had arrived in the kitchen by now, and was leaning over the counter. "Optometrists," he whispered conspiratorially to the refrigerator, "are the _devil_."

An awkward pause.

Finally, Deidara cheerily quipped,

"Who wants hors d'oeuvres?"

**A Few Minutes later- After Uncomfortably Consuming Beverages and Snacks.**

As soon as Dei whipped out the salads, this dinner party became all-buisness.

"Right," Kisame said, wincing at the bitter taste of the arugula. He swallowed painfully and pushed his salad aside.

"I _told_ you it tastes like shit," Suigetsu whispered to Naruto.

There was an unpleasant gulping sound as Kisame swallowed some iced tea. "So, Deidara, Hidan, tell us again exactly why you require our..._.services_...?"

"Well, Dei's car, Bessie, was recently trashed by a bunch of underclassmen hooligans.**(3) **Thanks to the help of our contacts here, " he gestured to Naruto, who was trying to covertly pick a piece of shredded lettuce out of his lip ring, and Suigetsu who grinned widely. "We figured out the perpetrator was one Sabaku Gaara. Have you heard of him?"

"Yeah, that lil' red-haired punk right? With the hot sister?"

A rather indignant bout of coughing broke out at that point, and Kisame noticed Temari, sitting on his left for the first time.

"_Heeey,_" He raised a blue eyebrow seductively. Itachi stabbed his hand with a fork.

"_Ouch!_ The hell was that, Uchiha?!"

"I apologize, Kisame, I seem to be having a problem seeing my salad." Itachi's innocent expression wasn't fooling anyone.

"It's that pile of green shit right in front of you, how could you miss it? Oh, sorry." Deidara's face had turned a bit red about the ears. His fork quivered in his vice-like grip. Kisame trudged onwards. "_ANYways,_ so what kinda plan do we have thus far to get back at the little shit?"

"Our lovely little double-agent here," Temari's glossed lips pulled into a silent snarl, "Is gonna get us the goods on her brother, if ya know what I'm saying. Right now, we're looking at some definite breaking-and-entering, maybe some vandalism, and of course, the obligatory public humiliation and destruction of private property."

Neji and Lee looked at each other nervously. Naruto and Suigetsu high-fived under the table.

Kisame and Itachi nodded good-naturedly. "Yep, yep, looks like you got all the basics covered. But where's the kicker?" Kisame fixed Hidan's pallid face in his yellow stare.

"Oh don't worry," Hidan said, tone frigid, "We'll get the fucker good. Once Temari comes through for us, we'll know what really pisses the guy off, so we'll be able to plot the perfect revenge."

Itachi daintily patted his lips with the cloth napkin. "What was Sabaku's original motive for destroying the car in the first place? Perhaps that will give us some notion as to what we can use for vengeance."

The atmosphere became a bit tenser, Itachi's words still hanging untouched in the air.

"Let's just say,_ this_ crime was a disproportionate payback for what I did to him many years ago, un." Deidara said stiffly, in a manner that indicated the subject was closed.

"I see," a blue head nodded knowingly, "long-time grudge, those are the best kind."

Hidan picked up the original thread of conversation, side-stepping the sensitive topic. "So the plan, as it stands now, is tomorrow, Temari, Neji, and Lee are gonna do a little break-and-enter mission into Sabaku's dinky lair with two objectives."

"Now wait just one minute," Neji bravely chimed up, only to be shut down.

"_FIRST_," Hidan said forcefully, glowering at the Hyuuga who shut up immediately," to find out if Sabaku's planning anything. And second, to see If there's an obvious way we can fuck him up. If this mission fails, or if we can't get any dirt, then it's back to the drawing board."

"Yeah...Hidan, babe, I'm still not seeing where we come in." Kisame was leaning over the table, legs sprawled out, waving a carrot around like a cigar, much to Deidara's distaste. The blonde flinched every time a drop of raspberry vinaigrette splattered onto his perfect table cloth.

"You _don't._ Not in this phase of the operation, anyways. No, when we'll really need you is later on when we actually start messing shit up. You two are gonna get us where we need to be and use your substantial..._leverage_...to clean up after us."

"What's in it for us?" Itachi's deep voice resonated through the room, voicing the question that was on everyone's mind.

Just when Neji thought things couldn't get any shadier, Hidan reached under the table and whipped out a briefcase- just like in any old mafia movie. Lee shot him a look, his expression mournful- as if he was grieving the passing of their days as good kids.

"We'll pay you, of course." Hidan snapped open the case to reveal a startling sum of money.

"Dude!" Kisame exclaimed, standing up. Even though Itachi probably couldn't make out the numbers on the bills, his dark eyebrows still shot up. "Is that even legit?"

"Every penny," Hidan said proudly. "All legally earned from back when me and Dei held summer jobs- just in case this moment ever came around."

"I'm impressed." Kisame sat back down, popping the abused and gnawed-on carrot back between his teeth.

"Well," Deidara sighed after some time. "Neji, Lee, why don't you two go ahead and bring out the dinner."

Both seeing it as an excuse to escape, Neji and Lee all but bolted towards the door.

**Meanwhile In the Kitchen**

"It seems we have now become involved in an espionage," Lee stated, pulling a stack of plates out of the cupboard.

"No shit, sherlock," Neji said irritably. He raked a hand through his hair and groaned, staring up at the ceiling. "Lee, how the hell did it come to this?"

The black-haired boy shook his head from side to side. "I don't know. I really don't. I don't know how we can worm our way out of this, either."

"I don't think it's _possible_." Neji tone was dejected. "We're just gonna have to go through with this. Oh god, I don't even wanna _think_ about what Hinata would say if she knew about all the crap we've been getting into. Or my uncle for that matter." They both shuddered. Hyuuga Hiashi was a no-nonsense type of guy. Lee and Neji knew this well, as they'd been in trouble with him more times then they could easily count.

"Let's get on with it." Lee grabbed the clean plates and headed towards the dining room, Neji in tow with a magnificent roasted chicken. After laying out the side dishes and collecting dirty plates, the two trudged to the sink and started washing dishes. Neji was just drying the last plate, a few minutes later, when a curious muffled thump and muted squack of surprise came from the pantry.

Bushy eyebrows furrowed in confusion, Lee turned to his best friend. Neji nodded and grabbed Deidara's biggest knife. Lee picked up a meat-cleaver and followed suit. Both boys approached the pantry- cooking utensils-turned-makeshift-weapons raised. Extending a shaking hand, Neji threw open the door and they tensed for the attack. But it never came.

Tearful opal eyes stared up at Neji, and half a second later his knife fell to the ground as his cousin launched into his arms.

"Hinata?" Neji asked in ultimate perplexity. Lee gaped. "What on earth are you doing here?"

Hinata squeezed her cousin tighter and muttered, "I-i-i-i was at the store, working, being a good girl, and then those two _bad_ people came to my check-out line and I was so_ scared_, Neji-nii-san cause of what you told me, and then- and then- I don't know what happened and now I'm here. Where _are_ we?"

"Deidara's house." The elder Hyuuga was possibly even more confused than his cousin. "Come on, you must be hungry, let's get you some food." Neji began to tug Hinata along towards the dining room.

"Neji, are you sure it's a good idea to take her in-" Lee began, but it was too late. They were already in the room. All conversation stopped and Hinata went ghost white and scooted behind Neji.

"Ah," Deidara said, smiling warmly at her, "This is Neji's cousin, I presume, the lovely Hyuuga Hinata, un." When the poor girl saw Kisame and Suigetsu bare their pointy teeth at her in their signature sharky grins, she almost collapsed again, but Lee and Neji somehow managed to maneuver her into a chair in the corner, and get her some food.

"Why did you bring her here?" Lee asked Deidara, as Hinata began to shovel down mashed potatoes.

"Well when she saw us she just like, ya know, _collapsed_, so we figured we couldn't just leave her there, so we brought her here and laid her out real nice-like in the pantry, just until she woke up. We thought she could go home with you what with you guys being related and all." Hidan actually managed to say that much without cursing, afraid of upsetting Hinata again.

Neji and Lee were duly impressed.

It was just when conversation was returning to normal- normality, of course, being relative amongst the currently assembled- that, inevitably, disaster struck.

Out of nowhere, with a magnificent gagging noise, Itachi revealed himself to be choking on a chicken bone. The entire assembly stared at the flailing Uchiha, making no move to help him. It wasn't until Itachi slumped over, face down, into his corn that someone sprang into action.

"Uh, hello? Somebody call 911 or something, the dude's like choking!" Suigetsu exclaimed, springing from his seat.

Still no response.

"Well, if you won't do something _I_ will!" He heroically vaulted over the table and tackled the breathless Itachi- grasping him in a sort of awkward bear hug from behind. He began the Heimlich Maneuver, and after the third squeeze, the chicken bone went soaring through the room, landing deftly in Naruto's green beans. The blonde thoughtfully regarded it, and after a moment, shrugged, tossed it over his shoulder, and resumed his bean consumption.

Suigetsu, meanwhile, had released Itachi who slumped limply to the floor. The pale-haired boy dove after him, straddling his waist and slapping him once across the face. Still no response. By this time, the entire dinner party had risen to their feet to watch the proceedings.

Pinching Itachi's nose and forcing his mouth open, Suigetsu hollered, "This calls for desperate measures!" He arched back and drew in a fantastic breath. If he had been paying attention he would have noticed the dark eyes flicker open, but such details were lost to Suigetsu as he flung himself forward and, with a painful-sounding thump, landed on Itachi's face to begin mouth to mouth.

_"Ew._"

Temari's muttered thought perfectly described the sentiments of all assembled.

An undignified tussle ensued. Finally, Itachi managed to throw his underclassmen off and stood up, adjusting his tie and smoothing out wrinkles as if he had not just nearly had his face eaten off by an over-zealous freshmen.

"That will be quite enough. The foreign object was dislodge from my windpipe long ago. Further proceedings are unnecessary."

From the floor, Suigetsu tilted his head and jutted out his bruised lip. " 'Kay." He too regained his seat.

Naruto, this time, broke the uncomfortable silence.

"Who wants cake?!"

Kisame leaned over to Deidara and muttered, "Who's Barry?" The blonde merely squeezed his dinner roll to crumbs out of anger.

Naruto began doling out the cake and Itachi apologized to an armchair for spilling his punch on it. He had mistaken it for Temari, who was sitting on Kisame's lap with an expression of absolute disgust on her face.

And somehow, somewhere, Barry shuddered.

**TBC**

**Expect a Profile Update On August 13th.**

**(1) I just want to say that my optometrist is a jewish man named Jerry who has a brother, who is also an optometrist named Barry, and they both practice with their father, who (guess what) is yet ANOTHER optometrist named Harry. I shit you not.**

**(2) I solemnly swear to never quote Johnny Depp in a piece of Hidan's dialogue ever again.**

**(3) "Hooligan" is pretty much my favorite word EVER. Next to "egregious" that is.**

**The Predictable Frantic Apologies: ****This fic is getting difficult to write. DON'T WORRY! I'm not bailing on you, not now, not ever. Just expect updates at tri-weekly or monthly intervals from now on. Sorry I kept you waiting for a transition chapter, but what I have planned for the next few chapters is sure to be good. I'm struggling right now with making it less predictable, you know? I mean crack can get that way if you just keep pulling it out of the air (or other more vulgar places) Any Ideas? Requests are appreciated, seriously, Right now I'm writing a multi-chapter ItaSasuNaru/Neji fic on a request. I'll seriously write what you ask me to. If I like your idea that is.**

**NEXT TIME:**

**Will Neji, Lee, and the Lovely Temari be able to complete their mission? What about Karin and co,? What DID Deidara even do to provoke Gaara anyways? Some of the questions and many more will be answered next update. :)**

**God, I'm a Terrible Person,**

**BISCUIT.**


	7. Chapter VI: Frilly Unmentionables

**Why: Truly I tell Ye I was completely stumped on this chapter and didn't even start until September 8 when I received a suggestion from Tropicalna who actually came up with the plot twist in this chapter. HUGE HUGE MODO GINOURMOUS thanks goes out to her. Leave her a shout-out in your reviews, please and thank you. **

**9/22/08: So today I had the day off from school, and I woke up at 11. I then made myself some seriously kickass ramen and sat my ass down and wrote practically this entire thing, neglecting my horrendous mound of homework. Just as a warning, the ridiculousness pretty much goes off the charts in this chapter. Just thought I'd give y'all a heads up.**

**When Carpools Get Ugly**

**Chapter VI**

**Of Espionage, Bad Surprises, and Frilly Unmentionables**

**At the corner of Hamilton and Lyne- 9:05 on a Saturday Morning**

"OH MY _GOD_!"

The exasperated cry rent through the stifling air of suburbia like a knife through so much semi-melted butter.

"Temari," the speaker continued,"You're being completely fucking _RIDICULOUS_!"

"No, _YOU_ are. I think that refusing to sneak into my _OWN HOUSE_ is kind of what any SENSIBLE person would do here."

Hidan's tone took on the kind of patronizing quality one uses when talking to four year olds. "No, no no, dear. The _SENSIBLE_ thing to do would be to_ HELP_ the band of juvenile delinquents break into a scumbag_ TRAITOR'S_ house lest ye be blackmailed out of your frilly little unmentionables."

A moment of silence.

"The only shocking thing about this conversation is that I somehow manage to keep forgetting who I'm talking to. _FINE_. If I _HAVE_ to help, I'll be the...what was it again?"

Hidan consulted an extensive list, the giant paper comically unfolded in front of his nose.

"Hm. Well if you refuse to be on the recon squad, I _guess_ I can put you on tertiary command at mission control."

"TERTIARY?"

"Well, _yeah,_ I mean Dei's second," Hidan said, stating what he deemed obvious. "It's either that or fork duty."

"_WHAT?! _You hold up just one minute, you greasy little rat. This is_ my_ house, we're breaking into, I think I should be _first _in command!" Temari's ego was so bruised by this injustice that she failed to remember that she was arguing with a cultist teenager over who was going to get to sit in the front seat of the molester mobile while they creeped out in the bushes across from her house for an hour.

"HAH! Not a snowball's chance in fucking _HELL_, girly_, I _run this ship. _SUIGETSU!"_ He barked, displaying his self-proclaimed authority. The pale child scurried over and saluted, his razor teeth sticking out of his sternly-set mouth.

"Seeing as _SOME_ people (he shot a wicked glare at Temari) are fucking with the plans, you've been promoted from fork duty with Naruto, to recon squad with Neji and Lee." He rummaged in his massive bag of "equipment" and produced a walkie talkie. "Welcome to the force, son. You are now known as Fairy."

"Fairy? The _fuck_?" Naruto asked, looking up from his struggle with the demonic packaging that insisted on standing between him and his box of plastic forks.

"Because 'Tooth Fairy' is too much of a mouthful. Now that we've got _that_ debacle taken care of, it's time to review the plan one last time." He sucked in a great breath, and without warning bellowed, "_GET YER ASSES OVER TO THE START POINT."_

Delicately inserting a slender pinky into her ear, Temari felt around for the shattered remains of her eardrum as everyone else, drawn by Hidan's earsplitting holler, congregated around them.

"Alright, down to business. So. Me, Deidara, and Temari will be mission control as you all know. As soon as the rest of you break, we're gonna drive old Bessie over behind that conveniently located cluster of rhododendron bushes. We'll be watching your backs from the outside while you gather the info on Sabaku's motives and plans. Now, Temari, are you fucking _positive_ that your brothers are out of the house?"

Temari stared defiantly into Hidan's intense violet gaze. "YES! How many times do I have to tell you?"

"Would you swear on his life?" The cultist said abruptly, pointing at Neji.

"_My _life? Why me?"

"_YES._" Temari insisted.

"Good. So, Fairy, Tweezers, and Duck Boy- "

"- _DUCK BOY?!_"

"- Are gonna slip around through the neighbor's yam garden, shimmy on up the trellis, and enter through the bathroom window," Hidan continued, completely ignoring Neji's indignant outburst. "So that's it in a nutshell, please refer to diagrams, 1a, 2d, and 4f." He spread the paper out across the dewey grass and all looked on it mild disturbance at the crude drawings of their stick-figure selves creeping around in someone else's house.

"Good," Hidan announced. "So, any questions?"

Lee tentatively raised his hand. Hidan pointed at him, and he flinched violently.

"Um, I was just wondering what Naruto-kun will be doing with the forks?" His buggy eyes darted over to Naruto who was growling slightly, collapsed on his side with both legs wrapped around the box of forks, still trying to get the plastic off with his teeth. With a start, he looked up, spitting out the strips of plastic that had caught in his lip rings.

"Our darling resident artist here's gonna leave Sabaku a little masterpiece to let him know we mean business..."

The junior had that steely glint in his eye and evil smirk on his face, so Lee knew better than to push the matter.

"But enough blab. You all get your little asses into gear, and don't you fucking dare come back without any dirt."

Obeying their elder, the three little freshmen scurried off. After hopping the fence, raping the poor, innocent yams with their heavy footfalls, and finally arriving at the base of the trellis, rather out of breath, one might add, the boys assembled for a meeting. Suigetsu, ever the eager beaver, decided to kick things off.

"Alrighty then, compadres, who wants to be in charge?"

His request was met with so much apathetic staring.

"Well. It looks like it's up to me then." He briefly consulted his copy of the floor plan. "When we get up there, I'll break left, Duck Boy, right, and Tweezers, you'll hit the downstairs. Any questions?"

Lee, once again, tentatively raised his hand.

"Uhm, Sui-Fairy?"

Pale brows knitted together.

"That's _Captain_ Fairy to you, corporal. Or CF for short, if you'd rather."

"...right..." Lee cleared his throat, averting his eyes from the intense stare. "Um, so do we only use the radios when we've found something?"

"Negative, soldier. I want constant chatter on the lines. That way we can warn each other if something goes wrong. Plus it's also crucial that Papa Hida can contact us from the outside. Now. If there are no more questions...?" Suigetsu gestured grandly to the trellis, even bowing when Neji and Lee took the cue and scurried on up the dangerously-swaying wooden structure.

Upon clamoring quite ungracefully through the bathroom window (during which struggle Neji got a rather unfortunate facefull of Suigetsu's ass) the three finally fell in an undignified heap on the tiled floor below. Springing immediately to his feet, Suigetsu saluted, wriggled his eyebrows furiously in what he apparently deemed to be a clever non-verbal communication tactic, and waved the other two along. They moved out into the hallway, and each boy set off in their specified direction.

**Meanwhile, in the kitchen**

Pale sea-green eyes steadily watched the dark brown liquid drip into their owner's favorite Scooby-Doo mug. Damn coffee maker. Why did it have to be so slow? Without warning, a resounding crash permeated the thick silence of the early morning. The eyes darted upwards to the source of the noise, then back to the coffee maker. It didn't matter. It was probably only that stupid cat his brother loved so much. Whatever.

And he kept watching that drip, the painted smile of Scooby-Doo boring immediately easing any apprehension he may have felt on the matter.

**Outside, Mission Control HQ**

"OW, fuck a monkey, get your elbow out of my donut you whore!"

"Hey, maybe _you_ should get our donut out of my personal bubble if you don't want it shoved up your ass."

Deidara sighed. So much for being second in command.

Ever since Temari had been entered into the equation, situations like the one he was facing now were quickly becoming commonplace. He gazed forlornly at the two seventeen year olds in the front seat yelling at each other. To most people it really would have seemed like they were genuinely fighting, but to Deidara, who knew Hidan arguably better than anyone, it was obvious they actually weren't. There just wasn't that angry fire in his best friend's eyes as he fixed his violet glare on Temari's defiant one. In fact, they took on a strange light, one that seemed reserved only for her. When he cuffed her over the head, it was done just a bit too gently, his hand lingering too long on her wild blonde hair. All Deidara could do was sit and watch as the events he knew would occur, despite whatever attempts he made to stop them, unfolded around him.

"Hey."

The voice snapped Deidara out of his little bubble of self pity. He looked up to find curious blue eyes staring at him.

"Hey, un."

Naruto opened his mouth as if about to ask a question, but then closed it, following the elder blonde's gaze to the pair in the front seat. He set down his still-unopend box of plastic forks and settled beside his upperclassman. Deidara didn't say anything, he just kept staring, his expression growing more and more miserable. Finally, he looked down at his lap, his hair falling from behind his ear, forming a curtain over his face. Naruto gently reached out and tucked the golden locks away.

"It's alright if you don't like her. It doesn't make you a bad person, or jealous for that matter. You're his best friend, you're allowed to be picky."

The darkly lined eyes flickered up to meet his and then towards the ceiling of the van as he threw his hands up in frustration.

"It's not that I don't like her it's just..."

"...you feel like you're losing your best friend. Of course."

Deidara met the younger boy's gaze again, clearly surprised.

"..How-"

"Trust me," Naruto continued, his voice turning sharp and his blue eyes darkening, "I know what it's like to watch a friend slip out of your grasp. It's not a good feeling."

Deidara sighed again and rested his head against the fifteen year old's shoulder.

"I just hope he snaps out of it. I've already been through losing one best friend and I don't think I could stand it if it happened again."

Naruto draped an arm around hid friend's waist. "I wish I could tell you that some things in life are always constant, but that's really not true. No relationship can endure everything. Even the best friends grow apart."

"I know, un. I just wish I'd known that a few years ago. Maybe then..." Deidara left the thought trailing.

"What happened between you and Gaara?"

Deidara smirked bitterly. The younger blonde was really a lot more perceptive than he had initially given him credit for.

"See, none of this is really about Gaara at all. It's actually about what happened between me and someone else, un.""Who?"

"I can almost guarantee that you don't know him. It's really kind of a stupid story actually, un. We were just a couple of kids in way over our heads, me and Sasori were."

**Back with the Recon Squad**

_"Descent successful, now rounding corner into family room, Tweezers, over."_

_"Proceeded about nine yards from start point, now entering first bedroom, Duck Boy, over."_

_"Excellent. Stage epsilon is a-go, boys, give em a taste of the ole hemmy _**(1)**_, CF, over."_

_"Suiget-Captian, is there any way you could speak like a normal person? Duck Boy, over."_

_"I'm gonna have to give that one a double-neagaroony, corporal. Our only chance at preserving the secrecy of operation Gamma Theodore Delta is to continue to communicate in our carefully constructed secret code. CF, over."_

_"Listen to Captain, Duck Boy, the success of the operation is at stake, Tweezers, over."_

_"Thank you, corporal. Now, has the jell-o chilled yet, soldiers? CF, over."_

_"Ya know, I think I would be able to answer that question better if I actually knew WHAT THE FUCK you were talking about. Duck Boy, over."_

_"OH SNAP! I think Christmas just came early, Captain, initiate maneuver 102 F? Tweezers, over.""Affirmative, T. Make sure the rogue doesn't get a chance to ring the jingle bells. CF, over."_

_"Nevermind, false alarm. It was just an offended feline. Tweezers, over."_

_"You two do realize that you sound like a preschool television Holiday special on LSD, don't you?"_

_"Shut yer yap and get that banana bread in the oven, corporal, this is serious business. Captain Fairy, over and out."_

**About Three Minutes Earlier, in the Kitchen**

The boy picked up his now-full mug of steaming coffee and was just lowering himself into a chair, paper unfolded to the funnies, when a scratching sound at the kitchen door alerted his attention. Irritably running a hand through his unruly bright-red hair, he walked over and opened the door allowing a calico cat to indignantly priss into the house. Damned Fishstick. If his siblings didn't insist on keeping it around, he would have made sure that cat "ran away from home" a long time ago.

He had just settled himself into the chair, when he remembered something. If Fishstick had been outside this whole time, then who or what had made that crashing noise upstairs? Abruptly, he set his mug down, scooched his chair out and walked as calmly as he could towards the staircase to investigate.

**Around that Same time, In the Dining Room**

The second he heard that scratching noise, Lee hit the deck, army rolling under the dining room table and whispering a warning to Suigetsu and Neji on the radio. About three seconds after he raised the alarm, Lee heard the unmistakable mewl of a cat and realized what the scratching noise had been. He sighed in relief, wiping an arm across his sweaty forehead.

However, if he had been paying attention he would have had the presence of mind to wonder who had let the cat in.

And sadly, because he was curled into the fetal position facing away from the door, he failed to notice a pair of feet as they quietly ascended the stairs.

**Back with the Bonding Blondes in the Van**

Deidara launched into his story.

"It was about three years ago, un. I was a little bit younger than you- around fourteen at the time."

Naruto couldn't help but notice how the older blonde was rapidly taking on the characteristics of his grandfather, Sarutobi. In fact, the freshmen was just waiting for Deidara to scoop him up onto his knee and start using phrases like "new-fangled" and "nowadays". He rolled his eyes a bit, but didn't interrupt. Unlike with his grandfather's stories, Naruto was actually interested to see where this one was going.

"I had a friend who was about two years older than me named Sasori. We were completely inseparable. I looked up to him as a kind of mentor, I guess you could say, but I think to him I was just an annoying kid who he could take advantage of. Eventually it got to the point where I followed him blindly and never questioned what he told me, un.

"So Sasori came from a broken family. He was an orphan and had been shunted from foster home to foster home until he ended up living with his cousins."

"Lemme guess. Sabaku and his family, right?"

"Exactly. Gaara idolized Sasori even more than I did, if that was even possible. I don't know what kind of relationship he had with Kankuro though, un. Or Temari for that matter."

"So is that one of the reasons you hate the idea of Temari with Hidan? Because it reminds you of him?"

"We'll get there, kiddo, un." Deidara, much to Naruto's chagrin, actually put an arm around the fifteen year old's slender waist and pulled him onto his lap before continuing.

"Now. There was this house in the neighborhood I lived in at the time that had been abandoned for quite some time, un. The two of us had had a growing fascination with it for years. But one day, we were over there and Sasori reached into his secret hiding place under this tree and pulled out some matches and gasoline. I guess a part of me had always known that he was a bad influence, but I was way too hung up on making him think I was cool enough to be his friend to care, un. I had already stolen a bunch of stuff with him, as well as helped him with some graffiti." he stopped and elbowed Naruto playfully who jutted out his pierced lip in an attempt to look innocent.

"But still, burning down a house seemed way out of line, un, even to me. But I was so pathetically spineless that all Sasori had to say to convince me to do it was that arsonists get all the girls **(2)**." Deidara lapsed into silence. Naruto waited a minute before pushing him.

"...And? What happened?"

"Long story short, he got caught. I didn't. The police even did a full investigation on him but my name still never came up. Although they did find out that Sasori was actually one of the biggest teenage drug dealers in the area. Turns out that hole under the tree was also where he kept his stash. He never told me anything about it, and to me, un, it really hurt that he didn't trust me enough. Apparently, he also didn't respect me enough to talk about me to anyone either. It was like he tried to keep our friendship a secret. No one knew I was even involved with him. Except for one person, un."

"Gaara?"

"Bingo. The kid was only eleven at the time, but he knew his cousin was friends with me. Kankuro had no idea. I really don't know the details here, un, but apparently Sasori had made him swear to secrecy for whatever reason. It wasn't until practically half a year after Sasori got shipped off to live with his grandmother that Kankuro finally cornered me one day saying that Gaara had told him everything. He beat the shit out of me, un. I was still so shaken up by the whole thing that I blamed Gaara not Kankuro for it, and publicly humiliated the poor kid at school as soon as I got out of the hospital. The two of them have hated me ever since. But things have settled down now, un. Hidan and I got a lot closer, and I stopped getting into trouble. Kankuro, on the other hand, is even worse than Sasori ever was, I think. I dunno. I just wish the whole thing had stopped back then. I tried to forget about it, but apparently, Gaara's still pissed. Why do they have to keep dragging it all back up, un?"

Naruto's blonde eyebrows were drawn together in puzzlement.

"But that makes _no_ sense. If all you were to Sasori was just an expendable crony, then why wouldn't he want his cousins to know about you? I mean, he was so secretive about you that even the _police_ couldn't pin you as an accomplice. It's almost like he was trying to protect you...but why?"

Deidara shook his head."I don't know. I never thought I was even that important to him, un. It's still a mystery."

"You know what's really a mystery?" A voice sweetly queried, "WHY YOU TWO ARE FUCKING SLACKING!"

The two jolted out of emotional-conversation mode only to find Hidan glaring at them.

"Well, now that we're all done with story time, how 'bout I make you boys some cookies and warm milk and then lay you down for your nap time."

Both blondes gaped at him, still dazed from the rapid change from emotional bonding to being yelled at.

"Nap time don't tickle your fancy?" He asked, violently ripping the plastic off the box of forks and shoving it into Naruto's hand, "Then let's get our fucking asses in gear!"

So left with no other option, Naruto got off Deidara's lap, box of forks in hand, and both boys got to work.

**Back in the House**

_"It's all blue skies and sunshine down here, but still clean as a whistle, Tweezers, over."_

_"All's quiet on the western front, soldiers, but still no sign of any Delta Indigo Romeo Theodore. Keep diggin boys, that treasure's gotta be close. CF, over."_

_"Mais Oui, mon Capitain! Tweezers, over."_

_"I haven't found anything either, and Suigetsu, would it kill you to just say, 'Dirt?' , Duck Boy, over."_

Neji sighed, the sound coming through as a static crackle on the line. He was damned sick of sneaking around someone's house looking for evidence that he seriously doubted was ever there in the first place. The two idiots pretending they were in some cracked-out version of WWII weren't helping things either. What he wouldn't give to be sleeping in like any _normal_ teenager should be. All of a sudden, the radio roared to life. Apparently, Suigetsu was having a spaz attack.

_"RETREAT RETREAT! MAYDAY MAYDAY, DUCK BOY, YOU'RE HEADED STRIAGHT FOR A MINEFIELD! The Racoon has attacked the bird feeder, repeat CHRISTMAS IS HERE! LEAVE THE MILK OUT FOR SANTA! CF over and out!"_

Rolling his pale eyes, Neji spoke into the radio,

_"Oh My GOD. Suigetsu, speak ENGLISH. No one knows what the fuck you're sayi-"_

But Neji's exasperated rant went no further than that as he rounded a corner and dropped the radio in shock.

A very confused Sabaku no Gaara was staring at him, blood-red eyebrows quirked.

"Oh..._shit_..."

**Meanwhile in Kankuro's Bedroom**

Suigetsu had seen it all coming. Alerted to the enemy's presence by the creaking of the top stair, he had carefully stuck his pale head around the door frame only to see a very puzzled Gaara heading right for the corner that he knew Neji was standing behind. Alas, his best attempts at warning the foolhardy Hyuuga had gone to waste. There was no hope for the mission, but he could still save his squad.

The pale boy spoke into the radio while stripping the bed.

_"Tweezers, come in Tweezers, CF, over."_

_"Captain? What's going on? Tweezers, over."_

_"Christmas came early and boy was it a white one. Duck Boy's stuck in a snow drift as we speak, CF, over."_

_"..Is there any way we can get the cookies out of the oven? Tweezers, over."_

_"Looking pretty slim. I think the gingerbread baked itself to the tin foil. We're gonna have to initiate escape plan Kappa Kappa Gamma Phi. See you on the outside, soldier, Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah. CF, over and out."_

Clipping his radio to his belt, Self-appointed Captain Tooth Fairy of the recon squad saluted proudly, twin-sized mattress grasped to his chest, and with a running start, dove straight through the glass and out the second-story window.

**Downstairs with Tweezers**

Upon hearing his Captain's orders Lee also saluted, duly glad that his part in plan Kappa Kappa Gamma Phi didn't involve jumping out of a window. Pausing only to straighten a crooked family photo on the wall, he walked calmly out of the front door and onto the lawn where Naruto was just finishing his fork masterpiece.

About two and a half seconds later, a rectangular shadow overtook the sun and with a mighty cry, Suigetus sailed out of the window and crashed right into the bushes, muttering something about heroic sacrifice to duty, before promptly losing consciousness.

Deidara, sent by Hidan, ran outside to ask Lee what was going on. As soon as he got his underclassman to stop rambling about Christmas, and found out that Neji was stuck inside with Gaara, he sent Lee back to the van to sound the alarm.

**Back Upstairs with Neji and Gaara**

"Um..what are you doing in my house?"

Neji sighed again. "It's a long story. Basically, we're trying to find out why you told your brother to vandalize my friend's car."

Red eyebrows drew together. "My brother? He never listens to anything I tell him. Whose car are you even talking about?"

"Deidara's of course."

Recognition flashed in the other fifteen year old's eyes.

"Deidara..._oh my god_..."

"What?"

"Kankuro's still on about the whole Sasori crap..."

"And this is relevant to my life..._HOW_?!"

_"Look. _It's a long story, but all that matters is I never had a grudge against Deidara. I get why he what he did, it's really all Sasori's fault, and Kankuro is the only one who's still mad about it."

"Why do I _NEVER_ know what the fuck anyone's talking about!"

"You don't understand!" Gaara harshly quipped.

"Oh, _OBVIOUSLY_."

"No, look, Kankuro _didn't_ do anything to Deidara's car. I know who did, this whole thing is just a giant misunderstanding. But if he thinks that Deidara's still got a grudge against him for all that shit that happened a few years ago, then things are gonna get ugly _FAST_."

The intense truth in those sea-green eyes was all the initiative Neji needed to sprint to the window, Gaara in tow, throw it open and start screaming, "ABORT, ABORT!"

But unfortunately, it was too late. Looking with terror at the scene unfolding under them, Gaara and Neji noticed Kankuro's black sedan pulled up behind Bessie and the furious junior himself staring at Naruto's egregious fork art that read _"This means WAR, Bitches."_

Neji and Gaara took off running, flying down the stairs and bursting through the front door just in time to hear Kankuro proclaim in an icy voice,

"If you want war, then that's exactly what you're gonna fucking_ get_."

And at that moment, Neji knew that his chances of getting that early-acceptence full-ride scholarship to Stanford just got one _hell_ of a lot slimmer.

After all, what college rep is impressed by the phrase_ "participated in small-town gang wars" _written on a resumé?

**TBC**

**(1) That's something my friend's dad says all the time while driving. He's always like "You wanna taste of the hemmy, asshole!?" Neither of us know what that even means...so I figured it would be perfect as a piece of Suigetsu's dialogue.**

**(2) Arsonists Get All The Girls is actually a really intense hardcore screamo band that a friend of mine is obsessed with. Lol, it reminded me of Deidara as soon as I heard the band name.**

**NOTES: Well...umm...that was interesting, no? **

**Sorry about the late update, but considering it WAS only just over a week from the promised release date (September 13th) I think I should be rather proud of myself. Considering my track record, that really isn't all that bad. So anyways, a few house-keeping things:**

**1. NO PROFILE UPDATE THIS MONTH. It's the 13th or never, kids. September is INSANELY busy for me, but I think weekend after next things will start settling down. Expect and update of THE FIVE LAWS OF WOO around then. Also look for a LeeTen Crack fic I'm gonna be writing on request. Should be out soon-ish. **

**2.VOTE on what you wanna see updated next.**

**3. (I've always wanted to do this. Tee Hee. )**

**Seeing as we're close to breaking 100 reviews, which I'm STOKED about, I'd like to give the 100th reviewer something special. You will be granted a magical request..ohhhh. (sprinkles pixie dust.) Fo reals, you get a wish. I'll grant it. **

**NEXT TIME:**

**Alright, so things are getting hella complicated and are really heating up. If Kankuro didn't deface Old Bessie than who did? What will the repercussions of Kankuro's ultimatum be? Will Itachi and Kisame's help be needed at last? And what about Karin and Co.? Do they have a part in all this?**

**Some of these questions and more will be answered in the seventh installment of "When Carpools Get Ugly" Appearing on the internet sometime around OCTOBER 13th.**

**Don't lose faith in me yet,**

**BISCUIT.**


	8. Chapter VII: Crime and Punishment

**Note: SEE, SEE!? I know none of you believed me, but I did it. I got it out. I swear I'll never give up on this.**

**When Carpools Get Ugly**

**Chapter VII**

**Crime and Punishment**

**-In which old times come back to bite our boys, Neji finally loses it, emo songs are sung, the culprit behind Bessie's vandalism is FINALLY revealed, Lee attempts to find a plus in a world of minuses, and, as always, the plot thickens-**

**izumo's Office- 8:02 a.m. The Following Monday**

"I'm sorry....I'm sure there's_ no_ way I could have heard you correctly..."

Izumo was _not_ amused.

Hidan kept rambling.

"Because I _know_ for a fact that you _couldn't_ have said-"

"Detention."

The cultist winced.

"See, there I go again with the hearing things, sensei. Maybe I need to go see Tsunade...."

He attempted to walk away, but Deidara, sighing, grabbed the back of his shirt.

"Now," Izumo continued, once Hidan was seated again, "Don't even _try_ to pretend like you're innocent because at this point that would just be digging your own grave. Following an investigation of the several crimes committed in the past few weeks, witness reports from Karin and Uchiha Sasuke, as well as a confirmed sighting from Janitor Levi, we now know for a fact that the two of you are guilty of breaking and entering, deliberately disregarding school rules, damaging school property, as well as emotionally scarring your underclassman, Karin; a student who doesn't seem to have wronged either of you personally."

Hidan pouted and sunk a few inches in his chair. Deidara hid behind his bangs in shame.

"However," Izumo went on, "we also have reason to believe that the two of you were not the only offenders- especially since neither of you seemed to have a personal problem with Karin. _We_ think someone put you up to it- and that's not even taking into account that there's basically no way that deviants even as...._accomplished_...as yourselves would be able to break into the school alone. So, want to give me some names?"

In a flash, Hidan had gone from sulking in his seat to standing on top of it and screaming.

"WE'LL_ NEVER_ RAT OUT OUR FRIENDS TO A _SCUMBAG_ LIKE YOU- NEEVEEEERRRR!"

"Hidan!" Deidara hissed, pulling his red-faced friend back down while nervously glancing at the teacher.

Surprisingly, however, Izumo only smirked, holding up his hands in mock submission.

"Alright, alright, it's your choice. I had a feeling you were gonna react like that anyways. Maybe all you need to cooperate is a little..._incentive_."

"What _kind_ of incentive, un?" Deidara asked loudly in an attempt to drown out Hidan's wild cries of,

"What are you trying to do now, some kind of good cop bad cop routine? HAH it'll take more than _that_ to break _me_...go ahead and _try_- my loyalty is _unwavering_, you hear me? UN-FREAKIN-WAVERING!"

This time Izumo chuckled.

"Well then, in_ that_ case, I guess it'll have no effect on you _whatsoever_ when I remind you that _technically_ the two of you _could_ be convicted of several felonies if, oh hypothetically, I were so inclined as to _press charges_..."

A moment of blank silence.

"Hyuuga Neji, Rock Lee, Hozuki Suigetsu, and Uzumaki Naruto."

"Thaaat's what I _thought_."

"Wow, Hidan, don't try to be a hero or anything, un, go ahead and tell the teacher what he needs to know," Deidara quipped sarcastically, rolling his one visible blue eye.

"Oh sure, _be_ an asshole then, but you know full well, Deidara, that protecting the brats isn't worth _our_ rotting in jail."

_"Oh my god_, un. Hidan, he wasn't _actually_ gonna try to have us arrested, he just knew you were stupid enough to take the bait. He probably already _knew_ about the freshmen anyways."

"Huh, very good," the teacher remarked. "You could stand to learn a few things from your friend here, Hidan." Izumo casually pushed the intercom button on his desk.

"Kotetsu, bring 'em in!"

Mere seconds later Kotetsu burst through the door to Izumo's office with Suigetsu, Naruto, Neji, and Lee in tow- the latter two looking quite unstrung.

"Sensei," Neji asked, voice shaking slightly, "Is there a problem?"

"No, just a solution. The four of you have been found guilty of helping these two," he broke off gesturing at the two upperclassmen who stubbornly avoided meeting the four cold stares, "break into the school in the dead of night and sabotage the locker of a fellow student; in the process breaking about ten school rules."

"Oh..._no_..." Choked Neji, falling heavily into a seat.

"The verdict..." Kotetsu announced menacingly, "....detention."

"_Detention?_" Neji squeaked faintly, voice rising two octaves.

"As in...the thing that bad kids get for breaking the rules?" Lee clarified, bushy eyebrows drawn together.

Naruto yawned.

"Yes."

"Alright, teach, so what kinda crap do we have to do_ this _time?" Suigetsu drawled.

But Kotetsu was prevented from answering as, at that moment, the magnitude of the situation appeared to have hit home with Neji.

"Oh _no no no no no no nooo_.... I-I _can't_ be in detention...I'm _Hyuuga Neji_. You _can't_ do this to me, it'll _ruin_ my _LIFE_! I won't get into college and I'll end up working at a _GROCERY STORE_! DO YOU WANT THAT KIND OF THING ON YOUR CONSCIENCE FOR THE_ REST OF YOUR LIFE?!_"

"...Hyuuga-"

_"DO YOU?!"_

"_Hokay._.." Izumo sighed, "seems the best thing to do would be to just get this over with. You will be serving your detentions this afternoon. In answer to your question, Suigetsu, you'll be doing service work."

"Aww. I _HATE_ service work. Can't we do this old-school...ya know like sit in a room and silently stare at a wall?"

"...No."

"Well that just about wraps things up." Kotetsu said, standing, "Alright boys, you can go." The six boys moved towards the door four of them in relief and two in shock. "Oh, one more thing. I think it might be a good idea to split up the dream teams. Lee, Uzumaki, and Deidara, you three will meet Izumo back here at 3:30 exactly. Don't be late."

Kotetsu turned to the remaining boys. "As for you three, you'll be meeting me in the kitchen. Have a nice day."

They all flied out of the room, only Suigetsu pausing briefly at door to mutter, "_Sadists_," before dejectedly shuffling back to class, leaving the two teachers alone.

Izumo sighed.

"Kotetsu?"

"Yeah?"

"Why the hell didn't you smack the _shit_ outta me when I said I thought being a high school teacher would be _'fun' _? "

"....I don't know......"

**The Cafeteria- 3:20 p.m.**

"I blame _you_."

"Yeah...well ya know what, I kind of figured."

The three law-breakers were sitting on the tables just outside of the door to the kitchens awaiting Kotetsu's arrival and his divine teacher-judgement.

"You _corrupted_ me," Neji hissed, giving the cultist a really dirty look.

"Oh god, _'corrupted_?' " Hidan repeated, "You're making it sound like I _raped, _you or something"

"I believe you're thinking of 'violated,' not 'corrupted,' Hidan," Suigetsu helpfully supplied between bites of his apple.

Hidan lapsed into silence.

"You don't even know what '_corrupted_' means, do you?" Neji said, sounding disgusted.

"Oh, like it _matters_."

"I_t DOES_ matter! How are you gonna pass the vocabulary portion of your S.?"

"S., A., S.H.- whatever, they're all worthless anyways."

"NO THEY AREN'T!" Neji hollered fiercely, "THEY'RE THE GATEWAYS TO OUR FUTURES!"

"See, Neji, that's your problem exactly. You care _way_ too fucking much."

"No,_ you're_ the one with the problem. _You_ don't care at all! Neither of you do!"

"So?" Both chimed concordantly.

"Sooo, when good kids like me get mixed up with bad kids like you only bad things happen! God, I just wish- " He broke off, sighing, "I almost wish I had never met either of you. That I had never gotten mixed up with these stupid revenge plots. I mean my life is just a huge mess right now and well...I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE!"

Neji slumped dramatically to the floor.

Hidan sighed in a patriarchal fashion. "Nej, I believe it would behoove you to change your perspective a little."

"Oh sure so you don't know what_ 'corrupted' _means, but you can define 'behoove' _and_ use it correctly in a sentence?"

"It's a fucked up world." Suigetsu declared, gnawing on the apple core.

"Would you two fucking shut it? Listen, Neji, buddy, we're in trouble _now_, but you gotta remember all the awesome times we've had. I mean, sure we're on a one-way road to hell, or rather we're kind of plummeting off a cliff with nothing but those proverbial rocks to land on, if you prefer metaphors of that sort."

"Normally I'd ask if there's a point to all this but I honestly think you get your jollies by just blowing steam out of your ass."

His fellow freshman nodded firmly.

"Yup, there's enough hot gas in this one to fill several hot air balloons, or at least I hope cause plane tickets to Australia would be fucking _expensive_..."

"LISTEN! _God_, you're missing the point, dipshits. Especially you Neji, you're so caught up with where you're headed, you're completely incapable of enjoying the detours on the highway of life."

"'Highway of_ life_?' Wait a sec, I though you just said we were on a one-way road to _hell_...there aren't detours on a_ one-way_ road. And even if there were, where would they even _lead _to considering what the final destination is?"

Suigetsu looked pensive.

"Idaho?"

Muttering under his breath, clearly exasperated, Hidan stood.

"Neji, Neji, _Neji,_ " he said, gripping the boy's shoulders, "I know we're in deep shit, but if you would just chill out for _once_ and let go....I can promise you everything's gonna be alright in the end."

"NO, it _WON'T_. _You've_ fucked up my life beyond all repair. I have no control anymore, I'm just free- falling."

Hidan chuckled slightly and stood up, a sardonic grin gracing his features.

"Well when you free-fall find if heaven waits."

"Geronimo!" Suigetsu giggled, tipping backwards onto the table he had been sitting on, faded red converse pointed skyward.

"You're so full of shit it's amazing it's not leaking out of your ears, ya know that?"

And at that point, Kotetsu walked in.

**Izumo's office- 3:20 p.m.**

Dejectedly, Naruto, Deidara, and Lee slumped into the office. A horrible end to a horrible day, Deidara thought. Figures.

But as soon as the rounded the corner and opened the door, underclassmen in tow, he realized his horrible day just got hella more horrible.

Twin pairs of dull-black eyes glared at the motley crew as they cautiously entered the office, wincing under the intensity of the stares. Lee opened his mouth, and taking action before he could say something incredibly stupid, Deidara shunted the two freshmen into the farthest corner away from the two seated on Izumo's desk.

"What was that for?" Lee asked, puzzled, "I was just gonna try to be friendly."

"Yeah, un, well friendliness is wasted on some people," Deidara whispered back, glancing over the shiny top of Lee's bowl cut to see if they were still being watched.

They were.

Well shit.

"Ohh, I get it."

Deidara and Naruto both looked shocked. If Lee wasn't so slow, he might have been insulted.

"You_ do?!" _Where oh where was the Lee they thought they knew?

"Sure I do. Being put into detention has made you change your hooligan ways. You're now realizing all the danger you've put us impressionable little tykes through, and are trying to take responsibility for your actions by being more protective of us! I'm so _proud_ of you, Deidara!"

Ah. There he was.

"Lee, listen, we know the two of them by reputation. They're Sakon and Ukon, a couple of sophomores who are _always_ in trouble, " Naruto explained, "I've never talked to them, but I know a bunch of kids who've been in detention with them before. They're a right couple of nasty pieces of work."

Lee looked over at the twins who now had their pale heads together, whispering.

"So...neither of you have ever actually talked to them?"

Both blondes shook their heads, bracing themselves for wherever Lee was going with this.

"And you don't actually _know_ what they're like as people....?"

"Lee..." Deidara began delicately, "People _don't_ change, I mean, un, sure reputations can be loads of shit, but with these two it's different, trust me."

Many people say that cautionary words are wasted on the painfully stupid. And, tragically, such was the case with Lee. The look in his buggy eyes gave Deidara and Naruto a hunch that it was already too late to try and stop him.

They were right.

"I'm going to prove to you two Negative Nancy's that you can't just judge people based on what other people tell you about them. If you and Hidan hadn't automatically assumed that Kankuro vandalized Bessie, it would have saved all of us a lot of trouble, not to mention we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now, _would_ we? "

"You could have picked someone who's not fucking _creepy_ to test your theory on, ya know that?" The other freshman hissed, but Lee pressed an upheld finger to Naruto's lips, dramatically draping his arm over his forehead.

"Hush. Let no more prejudices spoil thy cherubic pink lips."

And with that, Lee was off, leaving Deidara to slump, sighing into a seat, and Naruto to wonder, eyebrows quirked what the devil the word "cherubic" meant.

Lee moseyed on over to the window, hands clasped behind his back. Casually, he picked up a rather horrendous crystal paperweight off of Izumo's desk, examining the way it glistened in the late-afternoon light.

"Beautiful day...isn't it? Shame we're stuck here." Lee furtively glanced over his shoulder. The two porcelain faces still bore the identical masks of stony indifference that they had when he had first walked in.

Well_ fine_, if the friendly approach didn't work...it was time for the infamous Rock Lee tough guy act.

Without warning, Lee violently slammed the paperweight back down on the desk, trying not to squeal in pain as he crushed his own fingers in the process. Wincing and shaking his hand around he began again."Yep, it was a pretty day _then_ too." He paused, waiting to see if his dramatic emphasis had any effect.

It didn't.

"_That_ day....the day my buddies and me snuck into the school for no reason but the sake of tomfoolery....or so we thought! How very wrong we were, and how foolish with our boyish naivety...yet how lucky to escape with our lives, but more importantly, our virginity, intact. It was _quite_ a feat."

A pale eyebrow quirked, and Lee stopped, thrilled. He must be getting to them.

"You snuck into the school...._in broad daylight_? _Impressive_, and if you did it on a weekday it's a real wonder you're not in jail," The twin on the right drawled.

Lee froze, arms still outstreched. Then an idiotic look of cunning retook his features

.".....I see you did not pick up on the metaphor I cleverly added for the sake of story-telling. The daylight bit symbolized our blindingly white innocence that we held onto so desperately, even in the heat of our youth...No, that adventure that forever defined our existence took place at about four in the morning."

The twin nodded slowly, sharing a loaded glance with his brother.

"......_Christ.._.." Deidara muttered, placing his hands on his knees and leaning closer in morbid fascination. Even as experienced as he was, he'd _never_ seen bullshitting this epic before. Naruto, on the other hand, began to distract himself with the stapler. Apparently this astounding display of idiocy was too much for him.

"_Yes! _It was the middle of the night, and _what_ a night it was...."

**Meanwhile, back in the Cafeteria-**

"Since you violated the school."

Suigetsu shot a look at Hidan. _Violated,_ there it was used _correctly._

"...you will do _service_ to the school."

"Don't they pay people to do that kind of shi- I mean stuff?" Hidan asked.

"Yes they do, but you see it saves us all money, and lets _me_ have a higher salary, if the school board can occasionally cut funding and let the local trouble makers eat their just desserts."

"Do we get ice cream?" Suigetsu looked excited at the prospect.

"I don't know. Depends on if you want to lick it out of the remains of last week's lunch while you're on dish duty." He flung open the door to the kitchens, looking pleased with his wit.

"Dish duty?" Neji echoed, looking forlornly at his perfectly-manicured hands. Dish soap was so merciless on his delicate skin....

"What the fuc- uuuuuuuudgesicle," Hidan almost swore, saving himself just in time.

Kotetsu quirked an eyebrow. "Fuc-udgesicle?"

"Yeah, Fudgesicle, homes," Suigetsu repeated, winking at the teacher "It's _slang_."

"Never heard_ that_ particular expression before," Kotetsu replied, staring pointedly at Hidan who stubbornly refused to make eye contact.

"Well you better write it down in your little notebook, cause you ain't hip to the jive, cat. It's what all the groovy youngsters are saying nowadays."

"Is that _so_?"

"Striz- aight-up, playa."

Kotetsu opened his mouth, thought better of it, closed it, and then walked into the kitchens.

"Whatever. I'm going to teach you boys how to use the washer, so grab some rubber gloves and get ready for a wild time!"

Neji resigned himself to his fate and followed Kotetsu into the kitchen.

Hidan pulled Suigetsu aside.

"Suigetsu, next time you cover for me...actually....don't _ever_ try to save my ass again, got it?"

"I be pickin up what you're puttin down, dawg."

"God, what did I fucking do to deserve this?"

Suigetsu slapped him gently across the face with a bright pink rubber glove.

"Hey, if you can't stand the heat stay out of the kitchen, bitch."

Indeed, Suigetsu, indeed.

**Back in Izumo's Office-**

Deidara's eye had taken to twitching sporadically.

For the past eight and a half minutes he had been subjected to the Rock Lee version of what had happened on their "Epic Escapade of Juvenile Delinquency," complete with elaborate hand gestures, dramatic narration, and different ridiculous high-pitched voices for every different one of their heavily- paraphrased quotations.

"......So then Hidan said, 'Golly Gee Willikers, guys! Methinks I hear the pitter-patter of Janitor Levi's booted feet!' And then the rest of us ran, or in Hidan and Suigetsu's case hobbled, because, you know, they had that tuba rather comically glued to their backsides, but anyways, so when we got to the stairs, we discovered that Janitor Levi wasn't alone! He had brought his army of janitor interns from the East Side Janitorial School, you know, the one with those darn catchy radio jingles? So we found ourselves surrounded! Everywhere we turned there were angry ex-convict janitor interns-we were completely cornered!"

Deidara twitched and slapped himself gently across the face to rouse himself from his stupor. For the love of all things holy..._when_ would it _end_?"

An unpleasant gurgle sounded from his left.

_Ew. _

Naruto had fallen asleep, head tilted back, his open mouth collecting a rather formidable pool of drool that bubbled unpleasantly with every snore.

"....And so, after their tragically broken bodies had cushioned our three story fall, we disentangled ourselves from the smoldering, bloody remains, and fled campus in our shattered, defeated chariot, Bessie. But not before using the spray paint we happened to have with us to leave a monument to the heroic dead on the wall of the cafeteria. and thus.....we are now being justly punished for our sins."

"...Is it over?" One of the twins asked slowly, his glazed eyes wide as he elbowed his dozing brother.

"Yes."

"_Good..un._." muttered Deidara

"Soo..." Lee said casually leaning against the desk, crossing his arms, "What are _you_ two in for?"

Both twins looked up, and, smiling cruelly, they hissed, "Nothing you can prove."

Lee attempted to covertly scoot away.

"...Riiiiiiiiiighhht...."

**Operation**: Prove to Blondes that Justice, Truth, and Friendship Triumph Over Vengeance and Evil Via Befriending Sketchy Twins.

**Plan A**: Put self on same level as twins in attempt to commiserate via the infamous Rock Lee Tough Guy Act

**Status**: _Failure._

**In the Kitchen-**

"For the last time, motherfucker, pass me. the _mother. fucking._ dish soap."

Hidan enunciated every syllable of his insinuated threat in time to his deliberate scrubbing of a filthy, cassarole- encrusted plate that he suspected hadn't seen the light of day in three weeks. Unwittingly, he was right on the money due to the lunch staff's nasty habit of purposely saved a pile of the grodiest, gnarliestdishes, stowed away in the deepest, darkest corner of the enormous sink specifically for the troublemakers of the school. Filth for the filthy, they reasoned. All's fair in love and detention.

"DISH. _SOAP_."

"HOLD. YOUR FUCKING. HORSES!"

With a look of extreme concentration. Suigetsu raised his right hand to his lips, and blew gently through the ring formed by his thumb and forefinger. An iridescent bubble larger than his head ensued. It popped mere moments later, all over Neji, who had his head bent, scrubbing industriously. The slimly layer of soap coating his hair, as well as the slight facial tick he seemed to have developed, hinted that this had been going on for far too long.

Suigetsu giggled like a five year old watching someone in pain, and handed Hidan the dish soap.

"I swear to god, when we get out of this I'm driving you to fucking Walmart and buying you the biggest fucking bubble _whatever_ they have. _God_."

Rolling his violet eyes, Hidan casually reached across Neji, dish soap in hand to pick up a fork.

"_What are you doing...._"

The words, prefaced by an exaggerated gasp, were hissed through Neji's teeth like air from a popped tire.

Hidan's pale eyebrows almost met his hairline.

"Getting a fork..."

"But..._I _do the forks..."

Hidan slowly withdrew his hand, still clasped around the fork, never breaking eye contact with the now-reddning Hyuuga.

"Neji..it's silverware...it doesn't matter..."

"We have a system. There's _order_ to the _chaos_. _I do the forks_."

The Hyuuga's already white eyes now looked frighteningly blank and unfocused.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the others, Suigetsu had surreptitiously stolen the dish soap, one fang sticking out in a sly, sly grin. This was gonna be the biggest bubble yet...

"Oh calm yourself down, bitch. I'm already holding it, I really don't think it's gonna kill you."

Apparently, it was.

Hidan began washing the fork.

Neji went completely rigid, mouth contorting viciously.

A moment of silence, punctured by the vague pop of a bubble.

Then-

_"I. DO. THE FOOOORRRRKSS!"_

And with that, Neji hurled himself at Hidan, tackling his upperclassman to the ground. Neji slammed a plate over Hidan's head so hard that the latter saw stars. Pieces of last week's tater-tot casserole went flying. The two tussled about in a puddle of soapy water on the kitchen floor for a bit, Hidan wrestling desperately for control, until Neji effectively shut him off, palming his face and ramming his head to meet the shiny linoleum. Hard.

Suigetsu rocked back and forth on his heels, hand gripping the door frame, fangs jutted out in concentration- debating.

As fun as this was to watch, should he go get someone to break them up? Should he call someone to sedate Neji? Should he wait until Hidan lost consciousness and then see if Neji calmed down?

Considering how hard Hidan's skull was, it was tied between options one and two. The debate was effectively settled when, with a wild yelp, Hidan jolted as Neji stuck a spoon somewhere no spoon should ever go.

Yeaaaah....this was _definitely_ more fun to watch.

In the meantime, Neji had acquired more firepower. To be specific, a stack of plates.

_"I!" _(smash) _"DO!" _(clang) _"THE!" _(boom) "_FOOOOOOOORRRKS!" _(bang smash crash)

"OKAY OKAY I FUCKING GET IT! _YEEEOUWCH_! WATCH WHERE YOU STICK THAT!"

_SMASH CLANG_

_"YOU HEATHEN SON OF A BITCH!"_

**"I DO THE FORKS!" **

_BANG CRASH_

_"FUCK THE MOTHERFUCKING FORKS, FUCKER!"_

_**"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON HERE!"**_

__Uh oh. Suigetsu thought. Party's over.

Kotetsu arrived on the scene, an expression of epic alarm on his face as the regarded the soapy teenagers before him.

Neji looked up, red faced, wild eyed, with hair sticking out at awkward angles: still sitting astride Hidan, gripping his pallid throat so tight his face turned magenta and his eyes bugged out slightly. A fork was held aloft in his fist, aimed at the upperclassman's jugular.

For lack of something more meaningful and less obvious, Kotetsu said,

"Calm down..."

Neji breathed heavily, and the two watched as the fight went out of his eyes so fast it almost made a sound. Reluctantly, almost, he relinquished his grip on Hidan's throat.

"I am calm, perfectly calm, so calm...."

"Okay....astounded as I am that that actually worked, given the apparent severity of the situation, I guess I'll just ask you to come with me, Hyuuga."

Neji quietly stood up, dusted himself off, and walked over the the cautiously waiting Kotetsu.

Hidan sprang to his feet, bruises already forming, eyes still bugging out, but this time in rage."You're just gonna let him off that easy?!"

Kotetsu pointed a threatening finger at him.

"Don't make me tase you..."

Hidan spluttered, saliva splattering from his bulging lips into the soapy brine below, his face darkening through a nasty half magenta-puce color to deep, beet red. Finally, the managed to grind out,

"WHERE'S THE JUSTICE!!?"

"For reals!" Suigetsu agreed, looking, to a lesser degree, equally angry. "Why does Neji get to go to solitary confinement?!?"

Kotetsu sighed. More like, 'Where's the sanity?'

**Somewhere in the Hallways!**

Sakon dejectedly kicked a rolled-up ball of paper across the floor.

"This is really lame."

His twin, and Lee, nodded in agreement.

The three were walking through the empty halls donning bright orange "WE RECYCLE!" vests, and wheeling large recycling bins. The punishment of the group in Izumo's office was simple: to patrol the school and empty the bins. Every. Single. One.

Unfortunately for the twins, but by some happy stroke of luck for Lee, Naruto and Deidara were paired up, leaving Lee with Sakon and Ukon. Needless to say, only one person was enthused at this prospect.

"Here we go guys! Bin number 63! Alright!"

"Yay," muttered a twin, tonelessly.

Lee skipped jovially to the bin and hoisted it up, dumping it into their larger, rolling counterpart. One folded piece of paper rolled out.

"Ohhhh! A note!"

With an expression that conveyed he had successfully robbed a bank and gotten away with it, Lee unfolded it. He gasped.

"You'll never guess what guys! Marcia _secretly_ loves Paul!"

"I hope she gets an STD." Ukon said flatly. At least, Lee _thought_ it was Ukon."That would be tragic, but I bet since she _secretly_ loves Paul, she'd keep it a _secret_ so as not to _secretly _compromise the _secrecy_ of her _secret_ love affair. You know guys," he continued, shoving in between the twins and draping an arm across both pairs of thin shoulders, "If I secretly got an STD from my secret lover, you two would be the only ones I'd secretly tell. I feel like we've gotten so close over our short time together."

He sighed fondly.

"So close, that I bet either of you would be comfortable secretly entrusting your secrets to me, wouldn't you?"

For a few moments, the only sound to be heard was the gentle rhythmic thumping of the recycling bin's wheels rolling over the uneven carpeting.

"You know what?" One of the twins finally started.

Lee beamed up at him, his round eyes hopefull.

"Yes?"

"If we're so close, try telling me which one of us is Sakon and which is Ukon."

Lee looked rapidly from face to face. Blast! These two gave the word 'identical' a new meaning. He bet they even had freckles in the same places.

**Operation: **P.B.J.T.F.T.O.V.E.V.B.S.T.

**Plan B:** Confidence of secrets in order to gain trust

**Status: **Failure

**Meanwhile in the Men's Locker Room-**

Gingerly and distastefully, Naruto plucked a jock strap from the clingy pieces of paper among which it was nested.

"To be completely honest, I feel pretty dirty," The blonde proclaimed.

"Welcome to my life, un," Deidara agreed as he moved someone's decaying sneakers. "This place is ridiculously nasty."

"True _that._"

The pair walked on through the cavernous locker room, picking up bits of discarded homework, the only sound the gentle rhythm of their footsteps. But as they progressed in silence, Naruto began to hear an eerie noise reverberating from the toilet area.

"Deidara," he whispered, pausing, holding out a hand to stop the other, "can you hear that?"

The elder blonde stopped, head cocked slightly to the noise. He wordlessly put his fingers to his lips and motioned Naruto to follow him. As the two crept closer and closer to the source of the noise, its nature changed. Echos of wet sounding splashes entered the blondes' ears, and Naruto stopped again, mouthing to Deidara,

"Someone's in the shower.."

As they continued on, their suspicions were only confirmed as they approached the door that led to the showers. Weird, faint high-pitched noises began emanating from the other side of the wall.

Deidara made a face at Naruto, not even knowing what to think, and picked up a nearby lacrosse stick, the younger following suit. 'Better safe than sorry', was the more orthodox expression, but Deidara always said, 'better to whoop first and ask questions later.'

Gently, _gently_, the opened the door, and Naruto held his breath as an eternity passed before there was enough space between the door and the frame for the two to creep inside.

Instantly, almost, the sound took shape, and they realized it was someone singing a ridiculously angsty song really, _really _badly.

_"I swear that if I could, I'd take it all..."_

Deidara mimed gagging, sticking out his tongue. Naruto wrinkled his nose and nodded in agreement, whoever this was, they were _god awful._

_"....Take it all away, all the sor-row and the pain!"_

They crept closer and closer, noting the black jeans and studded belt lying discarded on the floor.

_"I'm not responsible, you always say..."_

Naruto stepped over a pair of pink and black skull pattered silk boxers, stifling laughter. Deidara motioned with his hand, and Naruto leaned in. Deidara breathed the obvious into his ear, "we got ourselves a little emo mofo...unn"

_"..but you need your space, and this always ends the same."_

__Trying with all their might to resist the impending laughing fits, the two continued on- the glint of the light off of a pair of black horn-rimmed glasses sitting on a sink illuminating their evil smiles. Whoever was in the shower began belting in earnest, still totally unaware of the creepers closing in on his shower stall.

_"HEEEEYYY! IS YOU HEART STILL BEEEEAATING, I CAN'T STOP THE BLEEDING, I'VE LO_-AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

A very unmanly scream ensued as with a flourish Deidara ripped the shower curtain off its rings. One very wet, very offended Uchiha Sasuke scrambled to wrap himself up in the curtain as it fell to the ground. The struggle had knocked his pink, flowery shower cap slightly askew, and this last little bit of hilariousness sent Naruto and Deidara spiraling into a mad fit of laughter.

Indignant, Sauske attempted his customary whatever hair flip, forgetting that he still had the cap on. This knocked the cap even more to one side, and caused Deidara and Naruto to fall to the damp, soapy floor.

"Oh, my GAWD, un. This is beyond priceless."

Naruto gasped trying to make up for the past thirty seconds during which he had been to busy laughing to inhale.

"Well," quipped Sasuke, mortally embarrassed, "if the two of you are finished having a good laugh at my expense, I'm leaving."

Like someone had flipped a light switch, Deidara and Naruto became all-business."Hold up, Uchiha, what's the big rush?"

Sasuke stumbled a bit as he attempted to pick up his boxers and stay covered up at the same time."No rush.." he said, uncertainly.

The blondes shared a crafty glance.

"Then why not stay and chat, un..." Deidara said, stepping over and wrapping his long fingers around Sasuke's bare shoulder.

The Uchiha in question flinched and violently jerked away.

"I-I-I have something important to do, I really need to be going, I have a dentists appointment so-"

An understanding smile curled itself around Deidara's lips. Sasuke had never seen anything more frightening in his entire life. Naruto stepped forward, forcing Sasuke between, himself, Deidara, and the wall.

"Your stuttering isn't helping your case, Uchiha," he hissed. "In fact, it's kind of given me and Dei the feeling that you might know something that could help us out."

Deidara pouted, sweetly simpering, "Secrets, secrets are no fun...."

And the two closed in further.

**Meanwhile, Back in the Hallway-**

... and Lee waggled his eyebrow suggestively.

Considering the mild to moderate degree of failure of plans, C, D, E, and F, he had figured he might as well try.

_"...Hell no..."_ Sakon breathed, baking away.

**Operation: **P.B.J.T.F.T.O.V.E.V.B.S.T.

**Plan G: **Sexual Favors

**Status: **_Uber_ Failure

**In the Kitchen With Hidan and Suigetsu-**

_"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, EVERYBODY'S NERVES, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves-"_

_"If you sing it, I'll fuck you up,"_ Hidan growled. _"Bum, bum bum..."_

**Back to More Plot-Relevant Things Happening in the Locker Room-**

"So what exactly is it that you know, Uchiha?" Deidara began, as Sasuke started sweating.

"Let me at least get dressed first, " the emo kid whined, but Naruto jammed the head of the lacrosse stick under his jaw.

"We'll debate that after you sing us a song, little bird."

"Actually, un, maybe he shouldn't," Deidara said, snickering.

Sasuke bravely kept his chin up. "Let me just start by saying that what you tried to do to Karin was totally justified."

"Yeah....we know..." Naruto said slowly, "But what's that got to do with anything?"

"Everything actually," Sasuke quipped, his dark stare boring into the blue eyes of his captors.

Deidara's mind was working furiously. This was important, he knew it. Whatever information was about to be forced out of Sasuke was the missing piece in the puzzle, the way to get out being pounded into the ground by Kankuro, and maybe even to find out who actually vandalized Bessie.

"Talk, dammit, un. You know more than I thought."

Sasuke sighed.

"Know that I'm doing this only because Karin is an obsessive bitch that never leaves me alone," he prefaced, " But more importantly, this whole thing with your car is even more of a mistake than you know. It wasn't Kankuro, like I know Naruto thought."

"We get that," Nartuo said, almost as frustrated as Deidara. "I heard him talking about someone but I guess it wasn't Deidara."

"Well I can't help you there," Sasuke admitted, "But I do know who vandalized your car. It was Karin's idea. She wanted to pay someone to vandalize my car, I have a white Subaru station wagon too. She thought that if my car got vandalized, and she knew who did it, I would be grateful enough to her for telling me that I would go out with her. So she payed Sakon and Ukon to do it, but they're not exactly the brightest so they hit the wrong car."

"So it was all a mistake," Naruto mused, scratching his golden hair in perplexity.

Sasuke just nodded. "_Now _can I get dressed?" The two partners in crime stepped back.

"Wait a sec...." Deidara said, "Sakon and Ukon?"

"Yeah," Sasuke said, struggling into his skinny jeans. "That's why they're in detention today. They're not happy about getting caught, and are just mean enough to take it out on the first person that bugs them."

The blondes looked at each other.

"Oh, shit, LEE!"

And with that, they sprinted out of the locker room to save their chowder-headed friend.

**In the Hallway with Lee and the Twins-**

Lee, in the midst of the awkwardness left behind by Plan G, was keeping relatively silent for once, minding his own business. The twins had slunk off somewhere, and Lee frankly doubted that they were coming back at all. He didn't mind though. He was content with the betterment he knew he would receive from completing the punishment. He had almost finished picking up this section of the hallway, when two blonde bats out of hell careened around the corner and all but trampled him as they violently picked him up, and he found himself to be hoisted away.

"What's going on, if I might be so bold to ask?" he politely inquired as he was swept off.

"We just found out something really juicy," Naruto divulged unhelpfully, "We're calling a secret meeting to plan our next course of action. Tonight, midnight, spread the word."

"Kay..." Lee agreed placidly, "But how am I supposed to do that if I'm being spirited away by you."By that time they had arrived at Bessie, and Deidara was in no mood for smart remarks.

"Just don't worry about it, Bitch. Get in the car and shut up!"

Boy, did _that_ sound familiar.

And so the three sped off once again, leaving Itzumo to wonder what happened to his recycling squad, Sasuke, Sakon, and Ukon, to thank their lucky stars that their torturers had mysteriously vanished, and Hidan to be harassed by Suigetsu and 'The Song that Gets on Everybody's Nerves' well into the night.

**TBC**

**Note: So in the interest of cranking these out quicker, and sparing you all form any more epic length Carpools chapters, I'm going to start making these shorter and less complicated. But don't worry, there will still be just as much crack.**

**Forever yours,**

**BISCUIT**


End file.
